6 Sad Reasons Why A Family Creates A Black Sheep

I sat here and read everyone’s post and cried as I’ve either been through the same or something like that.. I have ptsd Anxiety and depression. The saddest thing is I just lost my mom a week ago we had to pull the plug and I wanted in the roo. And my oldest sister would not let me in there and at the viewing I was pushed away from the casket by my oldest sister she would not let me grieve. I was ignored by almost everyone and talked about by them. It’s sad that they put of this face when someone’s watching and then we’ll funerals all done they have nothing to do with me. I wasn’t aloud to have anything of my mother’s at all. Because the oldest sister got it all along with her kids. My mom had 8 of us to died young kids. So out of 6 kids left I got nothing at all . But it’s hard because I loved my MOM the most as the oldest use to beat my mom and the others just used her for whatever they wanted but me I did things for her. When she totaled my husband’s and my car we told mom it was OK not to cry as we can replace the car not her . The others would of been passed. Sad how family’s can be like this

I was the black sheep for no reason I was hated my family always pushed me away all I wanted was to be loved and they pushed me further I’ve been on my own since I was born kicked out to the streets when I was 12 behind lies no one listened nor believed me my heart was hurt angry my family hurt me Soo bad that I moved Soo far bcuz of all the pain and hurt and anger I had behind them and the feeling I was feeling unwanted now I’m alone and always have been I’m 28 now and I’m still the black sheep Still was confused until I read why but the pain is unbearable now i fight the world alone with my kids … This feeling sucks badly but I keep my head up so high bcuz I Kno even if Im not wanted by none of my family I am wanted by God and my kids … I smile when I’m hurt I’m laugh when I’m angry bcuz I’m a warrior that pain I went through made me who I am today … I learned to accept Im not wanted and I still love hard … Including my family I call to check on them I also pray for them … God bless you all

So relatable. Now, as an adult, I completely understand that my shyness, softness, and awkwardness as a child was a mirror that my mother hates looking at, so she refused to offer me much emotional support. I also understand that how she treated me was internalized by my brothers and therefore they learned to mistreat me as well. My oldest brother was detrimental to my emotional health by convincing the neighbourhood to reject me(I would get on the bus and everyone would turn their head away!!), I was excluded from almost all play and learned to play by myself and I remember the last time I asked for help sobbing when I was 8 and she responded “what do you expect me to do about it”.
BUT my heart still aches. i cognitively understand the intergenerational family issues that created this situation, I know I’m a good person, but my heart has not caught up to my head. Here’s a question: How do you handle family gatherings? I have not cut them out because the cousins are very close. I am fighting to stop all the dysfunction and give my kids a healthy family life and cutting them out would hurt my kids. My kids are blind to everything. I have anxiety and knots at gatherings because I know I’m not wanted and I’m there bc of my children. How do we manage these events?

Gosh i can so relate to the other posts on here. When i say stuff like im the scapegoat or black sherp of the family in my minds eye i can see them exchanging glances “oh there she goes again. So full of self pity”. I hate myself because it is true and the fact ive been treated as less deserving, as mentally “hysterical” all my childhood is not a figment of my imagination. Aged 61 i discovered my mum&dad had secretly brought the golden blue eyed child a property. A pittance left for me in the will. Its a long story, but i have written to the family asking that they respect my wishes to cut all contact. I was lied to by them all in this cover up, and to be treated unfairly hurts every bit as much if not more aged 61 as when i sensed this as a child. I have had lifelong mental health issues. Why does the family have such power over my sense of self worth?

Baaaaa!!!!!!

Sometimes the black sheep is a sociopath who hates peace. One of my brothers had a calculated, hours-long meltdown and no-showed as the best man to my other brother’s wedding. He threatened to stab multiple individual family members (who he named) during his meltdown. He is not mentally ill and confessed to me that he simply enjoyed doing these things. He has always done things like this, like setting fire to the carpet once to get another child in trouble, but manages to appear picked on and misunderstood to the outside world. He has already spread the rumor that he didn’t go to the wedding because he couldn’t get a ride. He lives, rent-free, with one of the people he threatened to stab.

Articles like this do serve a purpose, but please stop acting as if deranged black sheep are so uncommon. Sometimes that “best and brightest” person is just smart enough to pull the wool over some naïve outsider’s eyes. This is not separate from the article’s six reasons. It is a seventh reason.

I have been the scapegoat my entire life sister is the Golden Child could do no wrong they even bought her a house and wont so much as co-sign for me or loan me money. The three gang up on me and they ridicule, mock me and laugh at me. They have lied to me my entire life as well and my mother actually carried on a relationship with my abusive ex husband for a year plus behind my back after he had left me for a woman he had an affair with and I had just spent 2 years caring for him when he had cancer. Him and her sat around shit talking me without my knowledge she even convinced him to go to our shared doctor during the divorce and tell the doctor there is nothing wrong with me I am a drug seeker I dont have back problems from an injury when I had serious back issues that required surgery. The shared doctor dumped me as a patient I had no idea why until years later when I read my file. Took me 10 plus years of struggling with doctors and being treated like shit because he did that to me as well, I almost lost the use of my right arm I had 2 trapped nerves and herniated ruptured discs pushing right into spinal cord. The most recent stunt is lying to me for a year or more straight even making up a big story saying they wouldnt take the covid jab cause they knew I was worried about it and their health they said their doctor told them not to take it cause its dangerous and dont worry they wont take it they carried this lie on for who knows how long until a few days ago when they were laughing and mocking me on the phone and told me they did get the shot and its none of my business anyways and they lied cause they knew I was against it. They have been awful to me my whole life, I finally cut them off once and for all after that I should have when she betrayed me with my ex husband throughout all these awful things she never once thought she did anything wrong she feels she was a great mother that was helping me and I should be thankful and how dare I talk to my mother that way, she gets golden child to send me long winded emails about how wonderful a mother she was and how awful a daughter I am and have always been. I am so angry that she treated me this way I did not deserve that, there is something worse that happened when I was a child and a mother should protect you but not her she threw me to the wolves every opportunity and lied about it to protect herself, she fucked me up and its is wrong that she did that to me, she’s an evil narcissistic witch of a woman and I dont care if I ever see her again now I hope she really did take the death jab she deserves to suffer for what she has done to me. The golden child will be totally lost without them she has no idea how to live her own life.

I’m the black Sheep, but so was my Brother. I was born legally blind, something my Dad blamed on my mom at the time. My Mom always worked hard to make sure I had what I needed, but my Dad was only kind to me when I was really little. The older I got, the more distance he put between us. He hated that I had my own opinions. His way was and still is, the ONLY way.

He would yell at me all the time, for spilling a glass of milk, for using my knife wrong, for not cleaning something properly. I walked on glass when he was around. NOTHING I did was right. His dynamic with me soon rubbed off on my sister, and then my brother. My sister would take my things and run with them, ALL the time, knowing i could never catch her. My dad coached my siblings in sports *mostly softball and baseball* and I couldn’t participate. So, I’d just draw. Dad hated it. He said drawing will never get you anywhere.

A lot of really bad things happened too, but it’s a super long story so I’ll stop here. I just turned 40 last month and I still have lots of trauma from my life that was mostly caused by my parents. I moved out of state 4 years ago and now I’m working on loving myself. I was a people pleaser most of my life, because I saw so little value in myself. Now, I’m getting therapy to help me change that.

I am a black sheep. I hope to encourage others to hang in there because we black sheep will embrace you. We know that parants and siblings who rejected you lost the best one.
I was very different and from a small child I learned that being alone was the safest place to be. My mother had two favorites and two black sheep. If she couldn’t control our lives she would have very little to do with us. She could be very good to us but more often she was mean and cruel. She would humiliate me in front of groups of visitors and ridicule my body. Ironically we were similar in shape and build. She chose one daughter and the only son to be her friends and confidants. She would use them to do her dirty work. And they never stood up for me. My father always protected her even when she was wrong.
When I became the subject of family gossip I learned to distrust my parents and siblings. I stayed confused about whether to love them or not because nothing was ever stable. So as an adult I tried to walk out of my family’s lives. It never worked because I really loved them, so I remained in a very fractured relationship until both parants were deceased. During that time when Dad lay in Hospice, one of the favorites treated me horribly. When my Mom was living she would write me hate letters. Now my sister uses text so I have to block her number.
As adults our lives have been a mess. The other black sheep married six times because men kept leaving her. The favored sister is a drug addict. The brother has been in prison numerous times as a sex offender. I married young and divorced after 27 yrs. I also became an alcoholic.
We were preacher’s kids and not every person in a church is good. My parents came from their own sadness. I find hope in my friends who are, by the way, Black Sheep.

I too was/am the bs of my family.
My father left when I was six which was a big knock to my sense of self.
When he left it gave my mother full access to beat me for any reason or no reason at all.
I remember begging my father to take me with him.
I am now forty years old and am still rather confused and very emotionally hurt by this.
I am acutely aware that all my family knew I was being beaten on a daily basis my father grandparents aunts and uncles and not a single one of them did anything to protect me, makes me very angry to think about this.
She never raised a hand to my brother though which I have never understood.
I was a good kid never caused trouble did my homework…. My brother was a naughty kid getting into trouble in school and causing trouble outside of school did not academically achieve and yet my mothers favourite and could do no wrong.
What’s strange about my relationship with my mother is that somehow I still speak to her..lol.
I don’t see her much and moved away 20 years ago and have only been back a hand full of times for a visit..
I for some reason hate that place more than I hate her.
I tried to have a conversation a couple of years ago with her about how she treated me…. It’s like I made it all up because she will not acknowledge that she did anything wrong.
She refused to discuss anything regarding the physical assaults and the verbal abuse I grew up with.
I tried to cut her off after that episode but she harassed me until I picked up the phone.
It’s not just her I am estranged from though I barely speak to my father either who was once my whole world but now I just feel that he is equally responsible for my misery as a kid.
My brother is still very much in their daily life.
I think if my mother had not remarried (stepfather) and had three more children I would have even less to do with her.
I sometimes feel like throwing my phone away so there is no way to be contacted but I guess I’m still kind of stuck in the situation of being a scapegoat but now I am the least liked or loved if five and not two.

Black Sheep – well I am still wearing that title. I had a cruel, mean mother & siblings who carried out similar traits so I distanced myself early to avoid the rejection and pain of never being loved or included in our family. My father died & because I distanced myself in self-love protection I never learned of it until my friend called my mom while visiting my home town. Several years had gone by and no one in my family of origin told me. What a shock. Then when my mother died she instructed the other kids to exclude me from her obituary as though I never existed. I just discovered that I was excluded from the virtual memorial for my girlfriend whom I knew for over 41 years. I am a good person – kind, loving, thoughtful – I just dont understand why this issue of excluding me keeps repeating itself. I know I am not a bad person but at the very core of it all do I even matter to these people that keep inflicting the same message over & over. As I say to myself – I hope I can get over this too. The pain hurts.

I have been excluded my entire life by my family. It became clear to me that I had to leave and go far away in order to reclaim my self esteem. I learned through years of therapy that each one of them were not capable of extending themselves and most likely damaged themselves by an abusive parent. That said, I not only had to move away from them, but also forgive them in order to find my own peace. Yes, it is sad but I have moved on and do not stay in touch.

I look native, nothing like my fair skinned, green eyed sisters, I have hated getting my pic taken since I was young due to the contrast in the way I look compared to them. It seemed everything was okay when I was married, and had a career. Now, because of divorce, and health issues, I seem to be an embarrassment. So, I walked away from their disdain, and pity.

Deep down, I always knew I was the black sheep. I have a family of 5. A mom, a dad, and two sisters. One older, one younger. I’m the middle child.

Sometimes, my siblings will get treated to things like ice cream. It’s normally because they had to do something like blood shots or whatever and I can understand when I don’t get something when they do in a time like that. But it still hurts and sometimes I’ll glance for a bit.

Everyone in my family knows I love family night. I walked into the living room seeing my mom and sisters watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Naturally, I asked “Whatcha watching?” and my older sister replied “Pirates of the Caribbean” to which I said “Oh, okay.” And I stood there, staring at the TV, thinking “Why wasn’t I called down” before walking off.

I don’t show my sad or upset side a lot. In fact, I almost always appear excitable. My parents don’t understand when I try to explain how I feel. The message I try to convey is always misunderstood or never truly gets across to them. So when I’ve been forced to, I’ll attempt to explain. They’ll ask for clarification a lot to make sure they understand and I only remember saying “No” “Not what I mean” “not like that” or “Ehh, not really” to them. It’ll keep going back and forth like this for a very long time and in the end I give up. I throw in the towel and say “You know what, sure.” they’ll leave after a bit of me forcing them out of my room and the NEXT DAY they’ll ask if they want me to get help from a therapist. And time and time again, I’ve told them “No. Therapy never works.” and “No, I just had a bad day.” Because therapy doesn’t work and I have to lie about having a bad day so they get off my back!

Our family is loud and we fight a lot. Especially me and my older sister. But sometimes, one will intentionally or unintentionally hit hard in a sensitive spot to the point where I have to quickly end the conversation to avoid crying in front of them. So I’ll end it asap, walk calmly upstairs, enter my room, lock my door, flop on my bed and start quietly sobbing for hours.

I have a LOT of issues and disorders. Depression, Anxiety, Binge-eating disorder, To-Be-Determined Mental Autism, OCD, pretty sure I have narcissism trust issues,

Im the black sheep of the family i was born to. 5 of these 6 represent how i was raised and i gotta be honest, growing up in the households i grew up in, i was always thinking about how i was always going to leave. I feared if i left i would long to return to my relatives due to a fear of loneliness, but i turned 18 and i flew out the doors and tasted the freedom from living in a house in which i was looked at like i wasnt even welcome there in the first place and tasted freedom for the first time and i am glad i havent returned. Unfortunately i also grew up not only an outcast to my relatives but i had a difficult time understanding social interaction. I actually didnt have any friends i saw on the regular until after high school. Those same friends and i ended up rooming with when we all moved out but 6 months later it ended in disaster. I also struggled in relationships in Getting affection for and from someone. I didnt have a hard time meeting people thanks to the internet i just still had difficulty dating and socializing even though i wanted to get it right. I did however eventually find a lovely girlfriend later on whom is loving to me, and her family is welcoming to me. Its new to me and i noticed i have been closed off to the idea of being part of someone elses family and i hate it and cant figure out how to rid myself of those feelings and its eating me up inside. Im now 22 years old now. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years and live together with 2 pets. My goal wasn’t to put my life story on here but if anyone reading the comments knows how to deal with being the black sheep of a family and afraid to be apart of another family for many emotional setbacks. If anyone reads this and has an answer I’d appreciate it.

I have been a black sheep all my life (45 years) and I’ve always known it. I am the youngest of three. My brother is 8 years older than me and my sister is almost 6 years older. All of us have high IQs and are two points apart. My brother is the classic overachiever and lords it over everyone he deems as inferior. He has picked on me most of my life. My sister is the classic middle child wallflower. She moved away when she got married 27 years ago and comes back once a year even though our parents are old and in failing health. I was never understood as a child or as an adult. I am a devout Christian and everything I do or say goes through that lens. I chose to get married and not go to college at a young age —which was looked down upon my my dad and my brother. It took years to hear the end of it. Things I did as a child that were wrong, were never forgiven by my brother. I stole a cassette tape of his when I was 11 and he still grumbled about it when I was 35. I even bought him a CD of it and gave it to him to make restitution. No dice. I had three children and, horrors!, I homeschooled them. How awful this was for my brother, who berated me about their lack of social skills, poor education, etc, etc. This, of course, was not true, but in his mind, I ruined them. I took a vacation with the kids, who are all adults a few years ago, and he called and chewed me out and wouldn’t tell me why. He then told the kids he’d come and pick them up if they didn’t want to be with me. The kids heard this on bluetooth while we were driving and they couldn’t believe the vitriol. Whatever I did, he will not talk to me about it. He did talk to me once, and blamed all the problems on me.

Well, today my sister came over to my mom and dad’s house to grace them with her presence and my brother is also going over, but nobody called me until they were there and then it was my dad who called. I told him I wasn’t invited and he sounded hurt and said he invited me. I told him thanks, but no thanks. Family gatherings do nothing but hurt me as I am always the scapegoat and laughed at. I used to go for holidays, pre pandemic, and I would come home and cry. I am done with this. I don’t need the stress.

I am definitely the black sheep of the family. The oldest of four kids. I’m still lost to this day of my 46th year. My career is non-existent. I’m currently unemployed after finally quitting my last hourly job after four years of going nowhere. I am in unemployment hell. My sister on the other hand has a nice executive job where she can work from home with no fear of job instability or losing her insurance. I’m broke, have no money for any holidays or birthdays and have been doing all I can to find work in the emerging post pandemic job market. She has never struggled always got the job even right out of college. We interviewed at the same company she got the job I didn’t. She hated the job I struggled finding a job. She just moved up and I moved from job to job with no upward trajectory. I’m miserable but I’m mostly sick of her attitude of entitlement. She looks down on me as my family looks down on me. They don’t even acknowledge they do it. I have depression and anxiety they just use it against me whenever I have a issue. They say to just get my meds adjusted like that is not ok to say…ever to anyone. Its is serious and getting worse. Today I am sick for the last time. I never thought I would hate my family but here I am. They are cruel and their job advice was to dismiss my unhappiness due to circumstance blame me for not getting a head hunter or a job as such and such…like just go find a magic job fairy. I’m going to be positive and hope the tables will turn. I will show them one day I am capable of providing for myself and others. I will have parties and invite them but they will be vegan oh and there will be cats.

I am the black sheep and scape goat. Oldest of four children with parents always working. I was blamed for everything and never right. No one stood up for me ever. To this day I am so hard on myself and everything is my fault. I felt like I never got kindness or understanding and the sad thing is my favorite family members are cats. I never got support and I always question myself. I found love in the wrong places such as raves and bars and loser boyfriends and other horrible people. I don’t deserve it I’m so tired of being dragged by compassionless people. At this point I don’t even want to be included. I hate them. Can’t stand the stuff they talk about at family gatherings.

So I’ve know since I was younger that I was the black sheep or as I would say “tin foil”. My sister on the other hand is the golden child who could do no wrong. I’ve been forgotten many time. I’ve been left out or pushed aside by family and friends. So I became the invisible one who only appears when they need something from me.
I don’t expect anything from them. I’ve been depressed for many years now. To this day no one has ever noticed. I tried to express myself to my family only for them to laugh at me. My mother hates me, My father thinks I’m annoying af,My sister wishes that I would just die and my extended family don’t k ow I exist. I’ve become numb to the harsh words and the feeling of being unwanted. I’ve accepted that I may never be seen as a worthy person to my family and I’m okay with that. I’m finally at a place in my life where i can say that I’ve accepted myself.

My dad has 8 kids I am the oldest of 7. He had 2 by one& the rest by my another. I guess my older sister mom& my mom use to be besties. My mom had sex with her best friends boyfriend & I was a mistake. My siblings have always been withdrawn from me but now that we are older they do everything together & leave me out. Which makes me feel that the only reason we ever spent time together was because we were children. We’re all not less than 3-5years apart but we never went without being together. Now they have bday parties with our first cousins, nobody has came to see my new house, they ignore my efforts. My mom caters to my siblings &leaves me to be the bastard child that nobody wanted.

I really appreciate this article… It helped me to understand the “WHY” with my tragedy of knowing that I am the “BLACK SHEEP” of my family!

I think it boils down to the fact that we are the brightest, we are the strongest, we are the smartest and people feel down in our presence so the only way they can feel equal to us is by constant teasing and subtle constant disrespect.

I am impressed with your story and how truthful it is. I have looked for answers for years although recently it is true what they say. Pictures do paint a thousand words, yet I was always told it was a feel sorry for me day. After reading the many comments we have to go forward and be proud of ourselves and how we survive. Thank you

….nice to read your comment, ..it’s true we have to be the Love in our own life for our Life~ so many times being baffled throws us off our game plan as we wonder why are they being this way, …but we spend valuable time dwelling on that drama when we could be having the time of your Life~ when I let the Sun in I see the Beauty and the warmth in my heart start to think about others hmmmm who can I see to love to greet to help if I could, or just smile more

Thank You, I searched for this, it helps so much, I will be rereading but for now I’m tired. Spring 2021 …I’m so very thankful for that as well, …we can stand how we feel, I agree with you and we aren’t alone this thought sustains me also ️

I am exact middle of 5. I was very close with my dad as we worked together. I now own the business and am still making payments. $9,300 per month. My siblings and their children have used the pandemic and election to convince my mother I am the devil incarnate. I’m a 53-year old professional. My brother was furious to hear that he can never own any shares in the business. He had the same opportunity to work there as I did. I am no longer invited to family functions, but they all want to make sure mom gets her monthly check. I am nothing but a cash cow to any of them. I could die and they would be happy they get more inheritance from her.

My father has Alzheimer’s and has recently started letting out little secrets that I have been able to puzzle together 53 years after being born.

First and foremost, if you’re not born first, you were born with a disadvantage. If you’re the second born son, you must try to accept that we start our at-bat with a strike. The fact that your mother now had at least two children to deal with can NOT be overcome. That’s the key: we have to include the pregnancy. Being born too soon after the first born made things automatically more difficult.

If you add to that, a difficult pregnancy, or maybe you used to really kick hard, you were a sickly child, frequent and expensive trips to the doctor, etc… that’s strike two. Again, your mother already the firstborn to deal with. A difficult task already. In my case, the so-called ‘terrible twos.’

So… yeah. Yada yada yada. Boom.

If, as in my case, the firstborn is intelligent, perceptive, talented, etc… He/she will pick up, mimic, learn – whatever… from the parents, and mirror their feelings, actions and attitudes, and most importantly, words towards you.

Strike three?

BTW: if you happen to have Dennis the Menace blood in you – you’re really fucked.

Did you used to love fireworks? playing hooky? maybe your good-looks would get you in trouble? (that’s a joke) I don’t know. Surely the reader can think of other such examples. Did you (or do you still) enjoy throwing rocks? breaking bottles? fire? Did you used to love lighting shit on fire?

I sure as fuck did.

So I never really stopped, in my father’s mind, giving him problems. The fact that I was giving Pop problems at the starting gate slanted my father against me subconsciously for the rest of his life. My father felt he was allowed to treat me differently because he was forced to deal with these problems. What parent holds a child’s infancy against them? One that is unable to forgive – more about that later.

The treatment was harsh and painfully blunt. Fuck carrots, where’s a stick?

My brother keeps to himself and years ago my father and I were wondering something very personal about him. I asked my father why he wouldn’t simply ask my brother. His response was that he didn’t feel he had the right to ask, because my brother had, again (and matter-of-factly) never given him any problems.

Black Sheep: you have to forgive this. Life isn’t fair. My brother, the firstborn, healthy (and non Dennis the Menace) male child didn’t have the same disadvantages to overcome that I did. Life isn’t fair for our parents, either.

My father was young. When I was born, he was in the toughest stage of life: young adulthood. And he was suffering from his own spat with Borderline Personality Disorder. My root-cause trauma was the doubt in my mind that parental love towards me even existed. My father’s root-cause trauma was a stern mother who died in childbirth when he was only 10.

One of BPD’s symptoms stands out especially. Seeing the world, and categorizing people solely in extremes. It’s either idolizing or loathing. Loathing, with a passion, loathing without a chance of redemption. Once someone had crossed my father, that was it. No forgiveness, no acceptance of apology, not even a consideration of empathy towards the transgressor.

“Try to put myself in his/her shoes? They don’t even deserve it. Why would I do that? Forgiveness? you’ve got to be kidding me.”

My father, during one of his demented Alzheimer episodes once asked me if I thought I were a good son.

“Dad, we both know that ship sailed a long time ago. But did I ever stop trying?”

Sailed? Hell, for me there was no ship. I was left on a fishing dock with maybe a bucket and a life-preserver. And an audience of family members wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Why did I always misbehave? Why did I always blow-up like a mad-man?

You’re too sensitive. You are still holding a grudge. And then the big lie: “you need to get it all out – otherwise you’ll never heal/move on. ”

It’s almost impossible to get anything out without being accused of still harping on the past. So avoid that trap.

Let go? How else do we let go if not by speaking? Speak of what needs to come out, and how will one not be accused of still holding a grudge?

Oh, and don’t expect your family to ever realize that you are correct. They might concede that you were a black sheep, but they are absolutely blind as to their role in your supposed blackened-ness.

I used to suspect that some of my immediate family members were smart, astute, observant enough to secretly know that I was fucked from the get-go, but either 1) No, they ARE absolutely blind or 2) it’s in their best interest to keep the status-quo or 3) they may be just plain evil people. Who knows?

(I won’t say “try not to worry about it,” because I’m sure Black Sheep have already heard that one a million times.)

Like the young-folk say, “Fucking duh.” Try not to worry about it – phft. Thank you Ein-fucking-stein, I’d a never thought of that one.

My siblings and I have been treated as outcasts/ black sheep our whole lives by my father’s family. We were never fully included with family gatherings and if we were , cousins definitely made it feel like they were forced into it. I remember going home crying many times feeling unwanted by them. My parents moved away from family when were just about our teen and preteen years. I haven’t seen many of them in over 20 years and I don’t see it as a loss. We have successful careers and homes where we are. Not once have any of his family visited us but expect us to drop everything to see them if we happen to be in their area. I don’t feel the need to have their energy in my life ever again.

I am the eldest of five two brothers,two sisters,for years my sisters invited mum to there’s for Xmas,l was never invited,just did not include me then my eldest sisters daughter invited mum again l was left out,l never saw my mum as often as they both live nearer her and drive.Mum passed on 30/12/20,l was there but my two brothers can not stand my youngest sister,whom by the way is the golden child,were not my brothers and l suggested it would be better if mum went in to the hospice before she died,we were spoken to like idiots by the youngest sister,my two brothers felt the atmosphere too and stopped seeing mum before she died.So youngest sister took over as she always has done,she is a very good actress,went to the funeral brothers sat up the back,l joined them at the front,funeral took 3 weeks because of the Covid,now it is over,we learnt that my mum left a will,turns out youngest sister is the executer,will is in the hands of a lawyer .mum owned her house,so we await to hear what is in the will,can imagine that my sister is taking what she wants,very selfish women can act the act,other sister occasionally texts me.Says she does not want involved,strange.So we await to see the end conclusion,l don’t want much just momentoes l gave to mum from abroad it has been terrible,l guess l am the black sheep.

There is an economic reason for a family creating a black sheep. The less heirs, the more money is concentrated in fewer hands.

Make no mistake, when a family allows wealth to concentrate in the hands of one or two people, it’s never the smartest or most capable person. It’s almost always the neediest or most dependant people who have brainwashed their sponsor to believe they’re most worthy.

If you find yourself targeted, assume anyone who stays silent about the rift has something to gain materially. Your siblings aren’t part of a support network, they’re rivals and out to smear you. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll SURVIVE and live the life you want — not one that is scrutinized and warped under someone else’s toxic narrative.

When i read all the comments mentioned above.It feels good to know that i’m not alone.I can’t express my feelings to anyone.Even if try some says i am making excuses for my failures,I have ego and even said that ‘You will make me depressed’.It hurts to have no one to talk to.Everyone said that its my own fault and am making excuses by naming it as CEN.

I am the eldest of three, I was adopted by my step father because my biological father didn’t want me. Growing up I always knew something wasn’t right. I could hear my “dad” say excuse him he is a drug baby. Everything I did was wrong. My dad is a preacher and yes I have sinned and he would point it out and get angry. I had children out of wedlock. My dad and my grandma refused to hold my daughter when she was born because she was born out of wedlock, they don’t condone sin. But yet my brother who is my dads blood, pride and joy had two children out of wedlock and they held his kids. And he still isn’t married. When I get introduced it’s (my brother)hey this is my son who works in law enforcement and (me)”O”and umm this is my other son. (said it quick) Anytime he mentions me is yea I have good boy he saves me money at the hardware store. I work crazy hours and I still do everything around the house and the church for him and my mom when they ask and even times where they don’t whereas my siblings don’t. My sister lives far away and complains all the time about anything and everything they do, she is ungrateful for what they do for her. My children even suffer they are work horses just like me and yet he judges my children and not my siblings kids with short skirts, on their phones ignoring people, and are brats. My brothers oldest son told my wife one day at the store, she told him to get one thing in the store per what my dad said and he said he can have whatever he wants. (Spoiled rich kids) And one year I thought about taking a management job at the coast and they still had my old phone number listed as my parents house and he found out and said he would never visit us but he has vacation houses there and yet drove 100s of miles to see my sister. When I got a bigger place to live he helped give me a boost with like $5000 which I am grateful for but I paid the majority of it back. I am the poorest out of the three. My brother gets a free place from him turns around and sells for almost $40,000. My wife is tired of it and wants to move 1000s of miles away. I told her I am use to it and I have to be like a duck and let it roll off my back. She has been real patient but I fear she will break and just pick her stuff up and move and never look back. She keeps telling me its wrong, and we will be doing everything when they get to where they can’t do for themselves and that my siblings would just come around if it benefits them. Granted I am done wrong, I still can’t leave my parents knowing how my siblings are. After they pass my siblings are materialistic and will sell everything and I will be left with a broken heart.

I am one of seven ….. not the youngest but the next to youngest girl then one more sister and a baby brother . Six girls and one boy . From a very dysfunctional , abusive child rearing . Father was a very narcissistic alcoholic that had multiple affairs while married to my mother for 25 years . My mother was a martyr of sorts and lived the role of a string yet helpless victim her while married life !
Fast forward …. after all of my siblings and myself have grown into adults and had children of our own things seemed strained at times but everyone could still get along when we all gathered for family functions …. until we no longer could …. if that makes sense .
I have one sister that has always been the focal point of vanity and conciet . She was always hefty … not hard on the eyes exactly but not one to fixate on either …. but she always had a superior attitude that she was entitled to the best of what my family had …..no matter how trivial it might have been .
As adults at one time or another one of my siblings have been outcast ….. this one sister seems to be in the center of every outcast episode yet has never been outcast herself ….. she thinks and acts like her cheating alcoholic husband and kids are above everyone else’s …. she has the backing of my mother to an extent that my mother just says she can’t control what her adult kids do ….
Long story short she has now targeted my two children and my family …we are the outcast now . I know that all these years I have been left out of a lot of family get togethers for what ever reasons ….I have dealt with that knowing the dynamics of how things work ….. but when my children are targeted for bad behavior of adults that have never learned to move out of the abusive ways they were raised in start to take shape … I had to draw the line .
I addressed the issue with my mother … she told me that basically I cold just come around when no other family members were gathered together … for me this was not acceptable . My mother has always been in favor of whom ever had something for her … in other words if she had something to gain …she would be in favor of who ever held the prize …. sad but I learned that early in my own childhood life .
So if my own mother doesn’t see the pitiful sad manipulative daughter that is the root of every sibling being cast out at one time or another and this particular daughter never being cast out how does a situation like this pan out …. in a healthy way ? Other than me being the one to walk away ….
The emotional roller coaster and broken heart of bad behavior from the clique my sister has formed with in my siblings what else is there to do ?
My mother is in her 80’s …. willnever change ….. will always side with this sister ….other siblings will follow ….. what is left ?

I relate all too well with this article. I am one of 7 children and the only boy at that. I have one younger sister and 5 older sisters. My mother told me all my life I was the reason she had so many kids because she wanted “her son”. I feel that put an enormous amount of weight on my shoulders. Growing up with all girls, and my dad being a workaholic I couldn’t really identify who I was nor who I could relate to other than all my sisters. Which, isn’t the best way for an only boy to feel understood. I was often overwhelmed with the feeling of isolation due to there being an off-balance of girls to myself. I always had the image that they were more important because they overwhelmed my mother and fathers (very rarely) attention and in essence had me thinking I was just kind of “there”… I have recently tried to form bo of a bond with my father, growing up I worked with him in his trade, but with his own moving business locally. He is an amazing hard worker, but that seems to be the extent of things we have common ground on. I’ve also recently tried to express myself and come to an understanding why I never said anything when I was younger. I’ve came to the conclusion that I didn’t have words for the emotions I had at that young of an age. I am now going to be 28 in October, and after spending 6 years with my ex girlfriend I moved back home in 2018 only to be told by my parents that “anything we do for you after 18 is a gift.” I don’t blame them, I kind of blame myself for having taken so long to be born, hence the reason my mom felt a need for me to be in this world. But also, I struggle with the fact that with being the only boy, I never remember a time where my mental health was important with living in this hectic, chaotic, confusing outlook of being surrounded by women. I was always a quiet child, never played in the dirt like a normal boy (my mother didn’t let my father spend time doing certain “boy” things with him) so in the end I feel I was extremely compromised and trying to address my emotions and not sounding bitter while getting the correct feedback from them seems almost impossible & I’m “emotionally unstable and need to be put on medication” when all I really need is for them to understand me and try to spend more time with me. Till this day my father is still obsessed with working and finding ways to make money. Our relationship is as abundant as an empty nest. I’m never considered, often my ideas and interests get overridden by what they presume to be “better” or more “effective” in what knowledge I am trying to gain. I truly feel alone, unrelatable, and desperate for a normal family bond. I’ve felt this way since I didn’t have a way to express these feelings as a young child.

I am the baby of 4 children; 2 boys and 2 girls. There is a significant age difference: 60 brother, 58 sister, 52 brother and I’m 49 female. When I was young, I was told by my siblings that I was adopted and my own mother even told me that she was not supposed to have anymore kids after her third son. I was vocal, loved to talk, sing, loved having an audience and always seemed to be seeking acceptance and attention but was met with mostly “Kimberly shut up, quit talking so much, move, go away, be quiet, leave me alone, not now”. I remember all of this from a young age and it still hurts thinking about it. As I grew up I was accomplished in school and career and found my voice and people who liked for me to talk, engage and had time for me. In my teenage years and early 20’s I had an unhealthy attachment to my parents, not wanting to live far from them and staying as involved with them as I could (I don’t know why I did this as I was married and had my own family). My first husband noticed early on the fact that I was ignored, pushed aside and disregarded at family gatherings and it made him very mad to the point that he would speak up on my behalf, which usually ended in us leaving with me in tears. All of these issues were never met with an apology from anyone in my family. I don’t ever remember anyone in my family ever apologizing for hurting me. I was just left to deal with it alone. I don’t know why I’ve been dimissed and pushed aside all these years but it hurts and I’m to the point that, as much as I don’t want to, I think the healthiest thing for me to do may be to remove myself from my family’s toxic treatment.

I am the black sheep, scapegoat.
Everything my sister does is ok.
No matter what.
My mom allow the abuse to go on. THEY both gang up on me. I am not worthy. I don’t matter.

I’m the black sheep, I feel as though My mom may not Ignore me and treat me differently but the rest of my family does, Just now they all decided to play a game together and I even said I wanted to play too, they obviously Heard because I said so many times.
But of course they just ignored that because Me making them drinks is more important.
So now I’m here, trying to understand why.

I’ve Always been forgotten In a lot of things, Apperantly everybody just finds it easy to forget that I was even born.
When they do remember I exist it’s just to tell me how I look
”You look homeless”
Yeah thanks, really love myself thanks to that

I’m in my 40’s and have two very loving parents that live a few hours away. I have siblings that all have kids and are also married. I grew up as a sick child. But am independent and better now. My siblings are all in contact with each other eveb though they all live in different countries and have the kids to talk about… they are very much a keep up with the Jones’s family…. due to illness I live on social welfare. I just get on with it.

They even said I was the black sheep. Only recently have I started standing up for myself.. they literally will stay silent if you say something that they dont feel like answering…..

I have been in my current home 7 years and not once have any of them come to visit when they are home visiting parents. They even stayed in same town a few times on holidays.

They are highly materialistic and if one of them puts up a pic of their kid you can be guaranteed within 30 mins the other does the same. That’s on WhatsApp so l left family group cos I don’t have kids so I felt like the spare wheel.

My parents are elderly and I often wonder when they pass will times be cut with my siblings. My life is different to theirs. But that doesn’t make it any less important. There is no humanity in them so its hurts when I send a few emails and dont get a response… I’m the loving aunt to their kids. My own aunt said to stop buying their kids stuff and just look after myself so that is what I’m doing. I buy the bare minimal. I’m looking after no.1 . But it hurts none the less. They are who they are. Not everyone is compatible. What I’m learning is it works both ways. When they see I dont need them they suddenly contact. But if I stay in touch they vanish. Took me a few years to cop onto this so as I said I’m looking after me now. And just being more aloof. Sucks but it is what it is.

I was always blamed for my sister’s issues. I asked my mom why she thought that. She said it was because I was born. My sister always showed emotional issues, so my mom goes out of her way-to this day-to show her she matters. My mom said that I don’t show my feelings, so I must be okay. In my family, there are the yellers and keepers. I am a keeper, so I am overlooked. I only keep in touch with my parents and two other siblings. We are a family of 12 siblings. I am slowly separating from my family at age 42. I just can’t deal with their issues when I am a military wife and mother of four. I have too many things to deal with already.

So hello, I always knew I have been the least favorite. I was born premature, was a hard to deal with child, hyperactive, rebellious.. I didn’t seek my family’s expectations.. I didn’t let them shape me, so here I am. I have a half sibling who is married and a sister who is an age younger than me. I have been bullied or ignored throughout if not all, most of the family members. It still hurts, I can’t forgive them for belittling me, beating me, not listening to me.. I became defensive and hot headed just to survive, to have a place, to say that I’m a human being too.. They don’t respect my preferences, they don’t listen to me but they want to see my face.. To hell with that. I have told them many times that what they did to me was unfair, and I don’t plan to forgive them. My little sister always says I was favored instead, she was ostracized too. But I feel that there’s a loophole. She became the favorite by pleasing them. She was the most expensive one among all of us. She also went throughout the abuse, but somehow, she was sheltered. She is being listened to, she’s the reasonable one, she has a way with words.. Whereas I am just standing there, waiting for my turn that will never come.. I’m so sad for the childhood and teen years I could never manage to live, I was never enough for anyone, and I never could get help from anywhere. I’m 19 now and have no idea how I managed to get through all this till today, it took so many tears and pain but what’s worse was nobody bothered to help, but they shunned me

My mistrust in people started in early years. I would put too much hope in them. Waiting to be friends. Waiting to be acknowledged. I was shunned by being who I am.

I have two cats now, and I am close with them. I also have dreams I want to pursue. Sometimes it becomes too tormenting. I want to escape but I see nowhere.. There’s no one to get help from. No hotline.. My country wouldn’t look after me at all.. I just know it. Since I knew myself, I was on my own.

Arguments stir when I’m with my family. They don’t listen to me and I can’t tolerate them. I face with them every day and the things they have done to me play in my head again. My fathers indifference and fake love. My moms overbearing presence, I remember how she hurt me till I was done with it at 16 and went all out. My sister still doesn’t forgive me for what I did to her as a child, we would fight often and I would hurt her. She probably doesn’t want me to be in a good place either. Other family members are just distant, scheming, conspiring individuals.

I prayed many times to be heard.. God didn’t answer me. My only friend is the cat sleeping beside me. I sound pitiful, I know. I tried every possibility.. Tried to make friends.. Tried to socialize.. Tell someone my grievances. It all resulted in a cold shoulder.. I’m still a student, doing my hobbies.. Persevering, doing the most chores at home.. But it’s been years, pandemic doesn’t help, I’m still waiting to save myself from all this, all by myself.. People say ‘get help’ but I can’t fathom it. I have never been understood or loved. The only proper love I received was from my cat and my accomplishments, be it small or big. I don’t know what to do. I’m just afraid that I will hurt myself because others hurt me so much.

I’m only 16 and still a child, but from the age of 4 I could remember feeling like I wasn’t important. My sister is two years younger than me, and I can’t tell if I’m the bad kid or she is. I’m definitely the black sheep, my parents have always had a strict, lack of emotional support way of raising me while they hugged my sister when she fell, just told me to suck it up and get up. It made my sister very selfish and entitled. But it made me a people pleaser and it was up to me to compromise with people. My entire elementary school life was horrible, i was shunned by all my classmates. And I was bullied continuously throughout. I have had suicidal thoughts for 2 years but my parents just told me to suck it up. I started seeing a therapist a year ago. What sucks is I can’t really complain. My parents are married, I have a house, food, clothes. What more could I ask for? I can’t tell if the way they raised me made me become the black sheep because I remember feeling happy as a kid. And then since I can remember I feel isolated. I don’t know when was the last time I felt truly happy. Even with Christmas yesterday. I don’t know how to live with myself to accept myself because no one ever has. Since I think I was 6, I thought I was adopted because I clearly wasn’t being treated like they treated my sister. I couldn’t believe that they would treat their biological kid like that. I am quite a sensitive girl.What do I do?

The worst is when its not just siblings. My mother has used my children, used them for her power. They now all exclude me, hate me. She has always excluded me from their life. Making it seem like it was me. Now doing the same with my Granddaughter. I feel helpless, tormented, confused, angry.

I’m a black sheep. I don’t have any good memory’s of my childhood we did fun things I guess but all I can seem to remember is the bad. My dad would beat me my mom and siblings just watched never helped me. They made me sleep outside like a dog on the back porch scared an waiting to be let in. Sometimes the garage on the concrete floor behind 2 vehicles. I was Diagnosed diagnosedwith adhd when I was verry young. The medicine made me less hyper more like a zombie I would feel emptyness and sadness constantly.. I was just a little girl . But the forced me to take my medicine everyday even when I didn’t have school . The medicine made me numb like a zombie, I begged them not to make me take it and how it made me feel they didn’t care. My brother and sisster both had normal lives.. happy ones. They got whatever they wanted never got touched not even once. I was the example to keep them in line I guess. They would make me was dishes even if I had homework. I could never be myself around my family the whole family outcasted me but was always fond of my siblings . It was hard as a little girl I felt soo alone and was verry confused all the time. I’m now 23, I stil feel empty, sad and confused . I don’t understand why nobody likes me . Jobs, family, people in general. They just simply don’t like me just like my parents I don’t get it . It’s so hard for me to make friends. I’m jelous if my sisster she has t he life I always longed for .. to be accepted and loved and supported, has everything handed to her. Nice cloths cute room so many friends that care about her.. I just want my family to accept me an love me long time friends Ik it sounds pathetic but now it’s too late I see them all as horrible people for always treating me so bad. And still watching my family from a distance all happy and together . I don’t feel there is a explanation It’s just cruel .

I’m 68 now, alot of what u said is me, i’m youngest in family, i was a mistake, as my father was a boozer, womanizer, and gambled! We had to move house when i was 6yrs old, bcz he wasnt paying the mortgage! My next sister up who is 8- 10yrs older was jealous of me bcz she was going to loose all the attention, and now in her 70s, still is,! We were never a close family as my brother and older sister were 20 something yrs older !! At one of my Aunties birthday party, i heard my brother call me ” the black sheep of the family” not knowing what it meant i just continued on playing, i was a skinny kid and mother literally brought me up on wellfare ! I had no friends, wasnt allowed to bring school friends home ! In the 50s it was more like ” out of sight, out of mind !” for kids, and ” speak when ure spoken to “! And a strange thing my father called me for several yrs was the word ” jerkypeak ” and i still dont know what it meant! Every time he saw me, he would call me this, and i would ask him what it meant? But yrs later he told it meant ” fool “!! Very nice thing for a father to call his son !!??? Why??? Still dont know , but putting two and two together now i think i may have been the result of an incestual liaison with my big sister, but shes past away yrs ago so its just supposition.!!

Thanks again for running into you when I’m running on empty again Jonice. You have helped me with the books, a video reply to my message. Right now I was ‘googling’ on how to deal with being excluded as I found out my family (parents and brother with his family) went away for a weekend. This is a reoccurring theme where they have even went to a funeral of a family member all together without telling me. They think/say I’m too sensitive and that I am different. It’s a repetitive tune that started in my childhood and I am looking for ways to break out of the cycle of letting these events hurt me over and over. I keep trying to find my way in, while I wish I would focus on meeting other people and not backing off from new contacts. Thank you again for your expertise and compassion. It means a lot.

It seems that all the articles I’ve read that not one of them mentions anything about JEALOUSY what about if a mother is jealous of her daughter because she thinks her husband is malesting her daughter and blames everything on the daughter , and turns the whole family against her , because that’s exactly what happened to me , I was not an oddball I was no different from them and I did not commit any crime and I was not the worst one in the family, I did not deserve any of it. JEALOUSY is real and some mothers can be very insecure I beleive 100 % that is was their fault and not mine

I am the mother/step mother of 5 children.
My eldest is 27yrs old and feels that he is the BS. he feels he had a hard childhood and was always grounded. he believes his siblings have/are having an easier ride than him. His siblings are 21yrs sister, twin brothers 16yrs and step brother 16yrs. He claims he spent most of his childhood grounded or in trouble for something and that the others never get grounded etc. I have pointed out he was grounded for reasons eg late in, or being disrespectful or rude at school. His siblings are being brought up in a totally different era where by they don’t go out but alternatively will receive bands from the internet. He can be so mean and hurtful with his words and make me out to be the worst parent in the world. he is far from the BS… I stay in contact with him and he has his own family but I still cant seem to do right from wrong.

my mom was adopted and her adoptive mom favorited my aunt and made my mom the bs. my mom always felt like the bs even with her real family. she doesn’t have many common things with either sides and it always bugged her.
i suppose now that feeling of being a cast-out has passed down to me now that i’m being excluded from the lives of my grandma, aunt, cousins, and other family members on the adoptive side.
i was adopted by my step dad and now i’ve found that even he didn’t want me. these feelings of being the bs is why i’ve found this article. maybe someone on here can help me expand a bit more on how to deal with these complex emotions. i’ve tried talking to my mom but even though she gets it, she doesn’t get it either. it’s hard to explain. plz send help :’)

Even though I definitely was the different, oddball, child; I never accepted the name Black Sheep of the family. My siblings may have called me that but I refuse to call myself the BS. I was the quietest child, hurting deeply and didn’t know how to share my needs. I didn’t receive words of affirmation, or love, or positive emotions expressed to me. I totally felt ignored.
I’ve been trying to figure out who I am, my value, and my worth and to live a meaningful life for myself and hopefully have something to offer to my 5 children who are adults now.

I wish this article better articulated how the Black Sheep/Identified Patient is often the one to be the most vocal and call-out the pain/dysfunction in the family. Other family members hide and retreat; but the BS can often call out the wrong-doing and by doing so, isolates themselves.