Brutal Honesty Vs. Speaking Your Truth With Compassion

I believe people who assert they are “brutally honest” may not be aware of the other’s rights to have boundaries. I don’t want someone shaking their wet umbrella on me when they want to get the rain off of it. Just like I don’t want a person unloading their thoughts and feelings on me unexpectedly and uninvited.

I interpret this brutal honesty as comfort neglecting boundaries. This is one way parents neglect kids, they don’t allow them to have their own psychological and emotional safe space. In this way, this can replay in adulthood with thinking that everyone should be able to handle their “brutal honesty.”

It’s helpful to include “honesty” when describing the communication style because the speaker does identify with the unfiltered nature of their truth. But the forceful, aggressive, unsafe nature of the communication gets downplayed if we’re thinking about the recipient. It’s a lot to take.

Thank you for your good work.

I often call myself “brutally honest”, thinking it’s a good thing. After reading this article, I realized I can be honest, just add more of the compassion I have into my truth. I mean we all could use a little more compassion, right?

Dear Jonice,

Great article. The idea of truth with compassion really sits well for me. As someone who experienced CEN with parents who both worked in emergency-response and had mental health challenges, I developed an all or nothing approach to honesty. I either hold it all in, for fear of rejection or conflict, or blurt it all out if I’ve been holding it in for too long.

I am slowly but surely getting better at setting and maintaining compassionate boundaries, so I think truth with compassion will fit in nicely.

As a relatively new therapist myself, I am looking forward to seeing how this concept fits into my therapeutic work as well as my personal relationships. I love how the work I do for myself creates a ripple effect to the people I meet in my life and in my work. It reminds me of the quote by Maya Angelou – “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”

Thank you!
Kate

Amazing how many people there are who are compassionate and considerate of each others feelings. Pity the politicians do not read these pages!

This was very helpful, thank you Dr for following your purpose and call. I read your articles often and wonder what drives you but whatever it is may it grow stronger and your legacy shine. Ever since I came across your work my mindset has shifted and so much makes sense and the weekly emails are God sent. You’re amazing Dr Jonice.

Thank you for the article. I never knew that truth with compassion existed. My father was diagnosed with Aperger’s Syndrome late in his life. My mom was dysfunctional from having NO support from her whole life. There was non communication, no talking in our home. Expectation and grounding: yes. Until I read this, I always thought that brutal honesty was good, because it was communication. Now I have to learn to be truthful with compassion. Maybe you could do another article with more examples of how to say it right?

This is a really important topic. My parents both had mental illness which has resulted in difficulty for all of their children. It has made relationships among the children difficult. My parents used the ‘divide and conquer’ style of parenting, pitting the children against each other, instead of cooperation. Both of my brothers have extremely fragile egos. Even speaking carefully, is close to impossible without them reacting. For example, simply mentioning my sister’s suicide is a topic (over 30 years later) for them. I feel as though I have to walk on eggshells (not just with my mother, who had BPD) but my brothers. I have had lots of therapy, but my brothers don’t believe in it. Any suggestions or insights about my situation will be appreciated.
Thank you

Thank you Dr Webb. Thank you for sharing another insightful article.

I’m not the type of person who would be brutally honest in any situation. I avoid saying anything in disagreement, or that might cause offence or upset, no matter how carefully crafted. Is this just the other side of the same coin, or a completely different characteristic?

Thank you for all the help your work provides. Each time I learn a little more, mostly about me..

Tim

I had a situation recently where I was asked a question about my children when they were younger (they were present). Caught
off guard, I responded truthfully, without compassion and Immediately regretted it. I know they were hurt. What can I do?

Dear Dr. Jonice,
Thank you for the perfect timing on this vital topic.

Some times processing chronic toxic grief can manifest as anger; urging one to express their pain in black and white colors; due to their long suffering and their tendency to put other’s needs before their own.

Would it be advisable to take time in addressing the emotional charge before one is capable of “authentic compassionate communication” ?

An added dimension to people being brutally honest is that sometimes the people in the family think the brutally honest person cannot change and so the recipients of the brutal honesty are made to put up with it. I had a grandmother who was very emotionally spoiled and would speak her mind and we lived in a household where there was a taboo around any sort of argument or vocal tension. This meant that when there was eventually an argument it would be a mega one – which was of course proof that all arguments were terribly destructive. In the end when my sisters asked my father why my grandmother was so mean to me he said “Well can’t you see. Its all part of the dementia” The rule of silently putting up with things existed long before the dementia started. Long after my grandmother died some of the hurtful things she said still rattled around my brain as though she was still alive. I learnt a very good technique though from a book called “The happiness trap” which is not to answer the “grandmother voice” back which I sometimes did when alone leading into a fantasy argument. Instead you say – not in a sarcastic way “Thank you mind”. Another thing I can say is “Its amazing what the brain comes up with” This has proven very effective – also with other bullying voices from the past. I hope this technique will help other people who read this paragraph.

Dear Jonice … All morning I have been composing an email for a friend who appears to have a handful of addictions — spending, eating disorder, and quite possibly a sex and “love” addiction. I have been approaching this with as much deliberation as I can, and with all the guidance that I’m pretty sure Higher Power is giving me. Yet, I have still been questioning myself. But then your email and blog came 2 hours ago, and that was the last reminder and confirmation I needed from Higher Power that I am doing the right thing, and that my email needs to be sent. I’m sure many people say you are a godsend. If ever there was an absolute and Divine example of that happening through you, it is right now. If I’m lucky, I might even be coming through for her at just the right time, Indiana Jones like. Time to get out the fedora and leather jacket!

This advice is good for dealing with people who you care about but who just may lack the ability to express themselves any other way. But setting boundaries with and addressing the abusive behavior of toxic people is a completely different subject matter. With the toxic comments of two examples here, Jenny and Bea, you don’t offer any insight on how to deal with those comments or those types of people. In the world many times we don’t have the luxury of ignoring abusive and toxic behavior by people in our lives, as evidenced by this charade of an election cycle – its there in our face every time we turn around. it’s clear in America neither the left nor the right know how to deal with the abusive and toxic behavior of people in their lives, whether it’s Bea, Jenny or, for example, Donald Trump, other than booting them out entirely. As many times we can’t vote the pain producing people out of our lives, what are some things we can do to respond to these types of people when we can’t just give them the boot?

Thanks for a brilliant article. I hadn’t realised that my CEN was making me brutally honest. People often recoil from me when I blurt out what I’m thinking, then it’s the end of that friendship. Now I know I’m like this because I was brought up by a mother who was brutally honest because she had no emotional skills. She never, ever talked about emotions, they were forbidden, things to be suppressed and dismissed, and she got angry when I had emotions. Thanks to your 3 steps advice, I can now practice speaking truth with compassion 🙂

Everything is helpful.
But, because my first language is spanish, I am not absorbing the maximum benefits of your help.
¿Is there any razón,why you have not published you knowledge for speaking Spanish people?

Please…
Write a list…10 por cent of your article for those that we speak and read primary spanish.

Muchas gracias

Thank you Dr. Jonice, your timing today is excellent.
I have been battling the last few months in my head about writing a letter to my family , asking them to reconcile with me, or if they refuse, to make a clean break with them. Today was the day to begin writing it up. And I was seeking advice on HOW. I am one of the more damaged from CEN, and other things. Have spent 25 years in inner healing, counseling and deliverance trying to find normality without much success, until I found you. Your books and articles are key for me. I truly wish I could afford your services. But the world has seen fit to keep me broke and broken. So instead, may I ask you to point me towards resources on the subject of delivering difficult messages to ears that have steadfastly refused to hear?
Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Mark

OH MY GRACIOUS. THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT OF THE “BRUTAL HONESTY” MESSAGE SO MANY TIMES, I LOST COUNT. AND, TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS ALSO BRUTALLY HONEST WITH MY HUSBANDS SISTER IN LAW IN A PHONE CONVERSATION. WE ARE TWO WOMEN WHO ARE POLAR OPPOSITES. WE’VE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER FOR OVER 30 YEARS AND IT’S ALWAYS BEEN TENSE BETWEEN US. SHE FROM BIRMINGHAM, AL AND ME FROM MADISON, WISCONSIN. CONSERVATIVE/LIBERAL – FUNDAMENTALIST/AGNOSTIC – HIGH HEELS/BAREFOOT – HEAVY DRINKER/RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC – THE LIST GOES ON. I WAS NOT NICE BUT FELT IT NEEDED TO BE SAID THAT “WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT WOMEN AND THERE’S ROOM FOR BOTH OF US ON PLANET EARTH, SUSAN. AND, I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT WE WOULD NEVER CHOOSE ONE ANOTHER FOR FRIENDS IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE FACT THAT OUR HUSBAND’S ARE BROTHERS.”

NOW THERE IS NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER. MY HUSBAND AND HIS BROTHER ARE ALSO NOT TALKING. I FEEL ASHAMED AND GUILT RIDDEN. DID I BLOW IT??
THANK YOU,
JANET MARIE