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Make Every Day Valentine’s Day

Give Your Valentine the Best Gift Ever: Emotional Attunement 

Candy and flowers are lovely Valentine gifts for your special someone, but what happens after the chocolates are gone and the petals fall off the roses? Every day can’t be Valentine’s Day for couples … or can it? 

In my experience as a couple’s therapist, I have noticed that the biggest predictor of marital happiness is something that I call “Emotional Attunement.” Long-term happiness can be difficult for many couples to achieve … especially when this factor, Emotional Attunement, is missing from the relationship. Lack of Emotional Attunement can lead to frustration and feelings of loneliness. In fact, it can feel more lonely to be disconnected within a marriage than simply being single. 

What is Emotional Attunement? It is: 

  • an awareness and valuing of the other person’s emotions.
  • the feeling that you know your partner extremely well on an emotional level
  • an ability to understand your partner’s reactions and sensitive spots
  • a mutual commitment to communicating difficult things with kindness and care. 

Why do some couples have Emotional Attunement, and others don’t? 

Most people learn how to be emotionally attuned during their childhood. When a parent treats a child with understanding, looks beneath the child’s behavior to respond to what he is feeling, and takes the time and effort to truly know her child, she is teaching that child Emotional Attunement skills that he will automatically apply in his relationships as an adult. If a parent unwittingly fails his child enough in any of these areas, he is letting his child grow up with a lack of these necessary skills (Childhood Emotional Neglect). 

Even couples who possess these skills can easily slip into taking each other for granted and taking the easy road. 

Here are some examples of poor Emotional Attunement: 

  • A husband fails to notice that his wife is overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling hopeless about it getting better after starting a new job
  • A wife misinterprets her husband’s hurt feelings as anger, and responds with more anger
  • A woman knows her boyfriend is sensitive about his hair loss, but points it out to friends for a laugh
  • A man needs to tell his wife that she overdrank and embarrassed him at his company party, so he blurts out the following sentence, “You were an obnoxious lush last night.” 

Here are some examples of good Emotional Attunement: 

  • A husband notices that his wife is overwhelmed and hopeless after taking a new job. He lets her knows that he sees it, and asks how he can help
  • A wife sees that her husband’s sharp tone is covering his hurt, and instead of responding angrily herself, asks him some questions about what she suspects has hurt him
  • Knowing her boyfriend is sensitive about his hair loss, the girlfriend says nothing negative about it to him, ever.
  • To tell his wife that she overdrank the night before, embarrassing him at his company party, he waits until the right moment. Then he says, “Can I talk to you about something important? I feel a little embarrassed about last night. Do you remember…? Can you be more careful with your drinking in the future, especially at my company party?” 

If you or your partner grew up without enough Emotional Attunement from your parents; if you feel your relationship is lacking, GOOD NEWS!  There is a way to get back on track today … and to stay there all year long. 

If you or your partner struggle greatly with these skills, I recommend that you start addressing your Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) right away. You can learn the skills now that you missed out on while you were growing up. To learn more about CEN, take a look at the ABOUT EMOTIONAL NEGLECT and THE BOOK pages of this website. 

In the meantime, write this Valentine Pledge in your Valentine card: 

“In the coming year, I pledge to work harder to understand you; to notice what you are feeling and to feel it myself; and to tell you what I am feeling and why so that you can understand me better too.” 

The Valentine Pledge is the best gift you can give your significant other. It carries more weight than gold or diamonds, will outlast chocolates or flowers, and will add an ongoing richness to your lives that no romantic dinner can offer. 

If you follow this Pledge, you can make every day Valentine’s Day. No candy or flowers required.

 

Dr. Jonice Webb – Bio

Dr. Jonice Webb is the author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (Morgan James Publishing, October, 2012). Dr. Webb has been interviewed on dozens of radio shows across the United States and Canada about Childhood Emotional Neglect and has appeared on The Literati Scene in Boston. She has a PhD in clinical psychology, and has been licensed to practice since 1991. She currently has a private psychotherapy practice in Lexington, MA, where she specializes in the treatment of couples and families. Dr. Webb resides in the Boston area with her husband and two children.

 

Twitter: @jwebbphd

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Four Things You Must Do if You Feel Let Down After the Holidays

Every November, it starts to happen.

In the stores, on the sidewalks downtown, on the television, and even among our own family, we experience a push toward holiday spirit. It’s a gradual build toward Thanks; then Merriment; and finally on December 31, Reveling. It’s all fun (well, mostly fun for most people).

But all good things must come to an end. Many people have told me that starting as early as January 2, they start to feel a sense of grey doldrums. It may be that your Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah family gathering didn’t go well. It may be that the Holidays never really met their full potential this year. Or it may be that your holidays were all terrific, and you are now faced with back to regular life: work, school, winter, and nothing special going on.

Most post-holiday doldrums will go away on their own, with time. But there are some things you can do to drive them off faster. I highly recommend fighting back so that your year gets off to a good, solid start. There’s nothing like taking action to make you feel in control of your life and your happiness. Here are Four Tips to put you in charge of your post-holiday doldrums:

  1. Make A Plan: to do something fun. Put it on the calendar, and then you’ll have it to look forward to.
  2. Connect: with a friend or positive person in your life. Meet someone for coffee, or go to a movie. Spending time with people you like and enjoy causes the release of Oxytocin in your brain, which combats sadness.
  3. Fight: against the sense of malaise.  Make yourself get up, get out and do healthy things, like exercise, window shop, look at art in a museum or cook good food for example.
  4. Set a goal: for the New Year,  Choose something that will make you smile when you look back on it on. Check out my blog called “New Year’s Resolution Revolution” for ideas about how to maximize your success.

Don’t let that gray feeling take you over. It’s the best way to get a good start to the year.

Happy New Year

 

 

New Year’s Resolution Revolution: Four Tips for Success in 2013

Make 2013 Your Year

When we think of New Year’s resolutions, we usually think about things we want to change about ourselves. Most people try to think of the things they don’t like about themselves and resolve to change them. Here are some examples of typical resolutions:

  • Stop biting fingernails
  • Spend less
  • Drink less
  • Stop smoking
  • Eat less
  • Exercise more
  • Dress better

This year, I invite you to think of resolutions differently. Instead of changing something you don’t like about yourself, think positively. Think about what you want to accomplish in 2013. Here’s the question to start with:

A year from now, when you look back on 2013, what accomplishment do you want to see?

Here are some examples of possible “Revolution Resolutions” that you might feel happy to see when you look back from 1/1/2014:

  • You got a promotion at work
  • You learned to cook (or improved your cooking skills)
  • You bought a bike and started riding
  • You became a blogger
  • You got a new job
  • You learned to knit
  • You joined a club (Toastmasters, book club, walking club, singles club for some examples)
  • You started a new career or business
  • You took an exciting trip
  • You wrote that book that’s been in the back of your mind for a long time
  • You made some new, good friends
  • You got married

Obviously some of these are bigger than others. It all depends upon what’s going on in your life, and what stage of life you are in. If you’re busy raising small children, it may not make sense to choose something as major as starting a new business, for example. Perhaps making new friends or starting a blog might be more in order. The important thing is to choose a resolution that’s attainable FOR YOU and that will improve your life in some significant way.

Here are 4 Tips to help ensure Resolution success in 2013:

FOUR TIPS

  1. Avoid the age-old tradition of setting three resolutions. It’s too distracting and a set-up for partial success. Instead, choose ONE Revolution Resolution, and stay focused on it.
  2. To keep your focus and your motivation strong, keep picturing yourself on 1/1/2014, looking back and feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment. Vividly imagine what that will feel like, often throughout the year.
  3. Tell your spouse, children and friends about your Resolution, and ask for their support and encouragement. It can be very helpful to feel supported, and also accountable to others.
  4. Break your Resolution down into steps, to help make it feel less daunting. For example “Join a Club” could be broken down into the following steps: a) research possible clubs in my area; b) choose a club; c) contact the leader; d) attend one meeting; and so on.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Sappy, Sloppy Emotions: What’s the Point?

“Although many of us may think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, biologically we are feeling creatures that think.”

-Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Neuroscientist, and author of My Stroke of Insight

 

Stupid, sappy, mushy, melodramatic, insipid, tiresome, wimpy, lame. These are all words that I have heard people use to describe their own emotions.

As a psychologist, I see in our society a poor tolerance for something that is a deeply personal, biological part of who we are as humans: our emotions. Indeed, if you grew up in one of the many, many households where emotion was discouraged or poorly tolerated (Childhood Emotional Neglect), you may now, as an adult, have a negative connotation to feelings of all kinds. You may see emotion as a sign of weakness. You may hide your feelings from yourself and others; even the people you care about the most. You may regard the expression or sharing of feelings as maudlin, illogical, or just plain useless. You may have no idea what you feel or why because you have buried your emotions so deeply, even from yourself.

Why did emotion evolve in the first place? Sometimes, especially to emotionally neglected people, emotions feel like a burden. Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to feel sad when we had a conflict with a friend, angry when someone cuts us off in traffic, or anxious before a job interview? On the surface, maybe it would seem easier if we didn’t have to feel those things. But my belief is that if we didn’t have emotions, life would not be better. In fact, it would not be sustainable.

Emotion is necessary for survival. Emotions tell us when we are in danger and when to run, when to fight, and what is worth fighting for. Emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us and driving us to do things. Here are some examples of the purposes of just a few emotions:

Emotion Function
FEAR tells us to escape/self-preservation
ANGER pushes us to fight back/self-protection
LOVE drives us to care for spouse, children, others
PASSION drives us to procreate, create and invent
HURT pushes us to correct a situation
SADNESS tells us we are losing something important
COMPASSION pushes us to help others
DISGUST tells us to avoid something
CURIOSITY drives us to explore and learn

 

You get the idea. For every emotion, there is a purpose. Emotions are incredibly useful tools to help us adapt, survive and thrive. People who were emotionally neglected were trained to try to erase, deny, push underground, and in some cases, be ashamed of, this invaluable built-in feedback system. Because they are not listening to their emotions, they are operating at a disadvantage from the rest of us. Pushing away this vital source of information makes you vulnerable and potentially less productive. It also makes it harder to experience life to its fullest.

Emotions do more, though, than drive us to do things. They also feed the human connections that give life the depth and richness that makes it worthwhile. It is this depth and richness which I believe provides the best answer to the question, “What is the meaning of life?” Emotional connections to others help us stave off feelings of emptiness as well as existential angst.

If you have spent a lifetime trying to deny your natural, biological emotional responses, you may at times feel disconnected, empty, or unfulfilled in life. The people who love you may find you distant, self-contained, or even arrogant. You may find yourself irritable or angry more often than you would like.

If any of this rings a bell to you, please read more about Emotional Neglect throughout this website. There is much more information about it in my book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.  In the book, I talk about the many forms that Emotional Neglect can take, the 12 types of parents who unwittingly emotionally neglect their child and the 10 issues that emotionally neglected children struggle with as adults. I also offer six clear strategies for overcoming Emotional Neglect.

To learn how to use and share your emotions to enrich, deepen and strengthen your relationships, see the book Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships.