How to Tell Emotional Neglect From Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Let’s face it, relationships are complicated. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me, “Is this normal?” about their relationship.

One of the most confusing gray areas is the difference between emotional abuse and Emotional Neglect. Since neither is physical, both are difficult to perceive at all. Even more difficult is telling them apart. Even mental health professionals sometimes struggle to define the difference. And sometimes Emotional Neglect can be so severe that it crosses over the line, and becomes abuse.

How good are you at differentiating between them? Read about this interaction between Marcy and Jeremy below. Identify each option as emotional abuse, Emotional Neglect, or neither. Then read on to see if you got them right.

Marcy sits in the car outside Jeremy’s office, waiting for him. She is fighting off panicky feelings about attending her high school reunion. Marcy was bullied in high school and is anxious about facing the people from her past. She explained all of this to Jeremy last night and he had seemed sympathetic and understanding. “Why couldn’t he be on time just this once? He knows how upset I am about this reunion,” she says aloud to herself. Finally, after 45 minutes of anxious agony, Jeremy appears:

Option 1:

“Hi, Hon,” he says perkily, kissing her on the cheek. He hops behind the wheel and starts to drive as he talks about his day.

Option 2:

“Where were you?!” Marcy demands. “You know how nervous I am about this.” Jeremy explains that his boss kept a meeting going late. “We’ll drive fast,” he offers.

Option 3:

Jeremy sees the angry look on Marcy’s face before she says a word. “What’s your problem?” he says defensively.

First, let’s talk about Option 3. Whether Jeremy intends it or not, his behavior here is emotionally abusive. He is not only drastically out of touch with Marcy’s feelings and her need to be emotionally supported, he fails to take responsibility for the fact that he kept her waiting, and how it affected her. In addition, he turns it back upon her by starting out defensive and stating that the “problem” is hers. That is abuse.

Option 1: Here, Jeremy is not abusive, but he is emotionally neglectful. By acting perky and failing to notice Marcy’s feelings, considering the situation, he is showing a profound lack of emotional attunement and care for Marcy. A lack of consideration this profound can approach (even cross) the border, and become emotional abuse.

Option 2: This one is probably the most difficult to identify. In this scenario, Jeremy is not abusive. And he explains why he was late, which shows that he recognizes that he left Marcy in an uncomfortable situation. However, he is still emotionally neglectful. The Emotional Neglect is subtle, but it is there. It’s because Jeremy fails to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Marcy isn’t panicky about being late, she’s panicky about her high school bullying and facing the people. So when Jeremy fails to notice her panic and misattributes it, his “I’ll drive fast” is neither soothing nor helpful.

If you got all three correct, good for you!

If you missed one or more, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. But it could be a sign that you grew up with some elements of emotional abuse or Emotional Neglect.

Now here is Option 4: Emotionally Attuned

Jeremy gets in the car, looks into Marcy’s eyes, and takes her hand firmly, immediately steadying her. “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. It must have been hell for you. Are you okay?” he says. He listens to her response and lets her vent. Then he says, “Don’t worry, we’re going to have a good time tonight. And if anyone’s mean to you, I’ll give them an atomic wedgie they will never forget.” They both laugh, and Marcy feels reassured, and ready to face her past.

Here Jeremy practiced all Five Components of Emotional Attunement:

Make eye contact
Be accountable
Acknowledge /validate
Ask
Listen

Sometimes the lines between emotional attunement, emotional abuse, and Emotional Neglect can be blurry. Many relationships contain all three, showing themselves at different times. But that doesn’t mean that it is okay.

Watch for signs of emotional abuse or neglect. When you see one, tell your partner. Take responsibility, and talk about what went wrong. Strive to follow the Five Components.

Make a decision together that the emotional abuse or neglect stops here. And you can rest assured that you will not deliver either to the person you love.

To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, watch my Free CEN Breakthrough Video Series on YouTube!

To learn more about emotions, emotional needs, and Childhood Emotional Neglect, Take The CEN Questionnaire. It’s free.

This article was originally published on Psychcentral.com and has been republished here with the permission of the author and PsychCentral

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below

lindy - April 21, 2024 Reply

I have been married for 40 years. My husband shows no indication to work on anything to try to do things differently or to improve in a way that is being asked. I am normally blamed for anything and everything wrong in relationships because I was raised in an extremely abusive childhood. I continually am trying to heal and get better at myself and my relationships.

My husband had a mother or father who was disconnected and wanted to be divorced but didn’t want my husband to have a “broken” divorced family. Everything was tolerated but no attempts to improve our change in marriage were made. Neither brought up the desire for improvement or more, both were resigned to a poor relationship, but to love their son. My husband’s mom had a stronger truthful and emotional relationship connection with her son.

My husband is avoidant, not mean. He doesn’t share problems. We both seem to have trouble reading each other and we don’t say the right thing to each other. My husband is clueless about not being a team and thinks we are a team when he makes all of the decisions.

For example for our 40th anniversary, he didn’t discuss what we might do. I mentioned it but he never responded. No response is something I am used to and it means to not talk. He, on his own, looked up and researched places and gave me a report on what he was looking into. He didn’t want my input. He wanted to decide, find, plan, and make it the way we would celebrate our 40 anniversary.

This is frequent. If I am quiet, don’t ask, just wait, and take whatever happens then we have no issues. If I ask questions or try to have input he closes down and keeps everything close at hand. He says he doesn’t like confrontation and to him being asked a question is confrontational. It is fine for me to share something that happened or for him to share something he heard, but I should not ask questions or expect to be sharing in decision-making. When he is ready he decides and we do.

I am very frequently alone. If I decide to do something, it will have to be done all by me and I will be given no help. If he decides to do something, he determines whether we will do it together or he will do it by himself.

In 40 years we have never determined or identified anything that he needs to develop and work on, but we find many things that I am guilty of doing wrong, causing marriage/family relationship problems, and areas I should work on and receive counseling for.

I dreamed of sharing life with a person, and meeting the deepest needs of that person, loving and enjoying each other and supporting one another. I thought it would be great if we were both practicing selfless giving knowing the other person cherished the other and wanted to grow in ways to show their life and make the other happy. But my husband does not want to be part of this, he doesn’t want to learn anything about me or to try anything new. He would like me to watch football with him and other sports and to be very involved with different sports and all of the games. This is his strongest behavior and activity in life and he spends most of his free time doing it.

Celine - July 26, 2022 Reply

Very nice. I have learned a lot from you, Dr Webb and I am grateful. This is how this scenario would go if I were Marcy

Scene 1: Jeremy: Hey Honey, “Ok, are you ready. Are you sure you really want to go to this thing?” As Jeremy starts to drive and talks about how busy the day was.
Scene 2: Marcy: What took so long? I’ve been here for 45 min? Jeremy: What? I was WORKING! It only takes 10 minutes to get there.
Scene 3: Jeremy: Ok, look you are obviously in a bad mood. I was working. If you had to wait, you had to wait. I’m sorry. I am tired and hungry and in no mood for this. I’ll call an Uber when we get there and go home. Have fun.

Scene over

Leigh - March 11, 2022 Reply

Is number 4 even real? Sounds like something in the movies.

Jonice - March 14, 2022 Reply

Dear Leigh, yes, it is real and something for all couples to strive for.

Pat - June 1, 2020 Reply

Now let us look at the situation from Jeremy’s perspective, rather than from only one side.

Firstly, Jeremy is running late presumably due to circumstances beyond his control and thus will already be feeling guilty about Marcy having to wait. Thus they are BOTH feeling pressure and anxiety, not just Marcy.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with Marcy calmly reiterating her thoughts and anxieties about the function (health assertiveness). The onus of communication lies on both parties involved. Marcy, knowing that she has a loving and caring partner, can initiate this (healthy assertiveness) rather than taking one of the 4 passive-aggressive approaches that is suggested.

The problem with all 4 of Marcy’s reactions (including the 4th option) is that all of the onus of communication is being placed on Jeremy. Marcy is setting Jeremy up for failure if her only form of communication is to hope he reads her correctly. Jeremy is not in an enviable position here.

What’s wrong with Marcy asking how Jeremy is feeling about the reunion and asking if HE has any concerns or anxieties. I bet he does too! That’s also a great way to open a discussion and likely, he will reciprocate the concern. It’s also a good way to disarm his current guilt about being late. Think about it, how many people get uptight when they’re late? Possibly everyone. So diffusing the situation is an EXCELLENT way to start.

Both people in the relationship have power, not just one. If you’re feeling anxiety, try asking how the OTHER person is doing instead of blaming them for not asking you how you’re doing. Accept responsibility in a relationship instead of finding a reason to blame your partner.

If both people subscribe to this philosophy then their ensuring the happiness of their partner and not only will both be happy, but the atmosphere of mutual respect will inherently make each other engage in a positive, respectful environment. Simple.

So back to the article’s theme of ‘neglect vs. abuse’, you could re-read the set up paragraph and find that Marcy is in fact neglecting Jeremy’s emotions. This too would be a trap however. Just more laying blame and finding fault in the other person. Look within to empower yourself Marcy. There’s a reason you’re with Jeremy in the first place, so trust in his good qualities and help him by bringing out those good qualities instead of setting him up for failure by forcing him to read you and expecting he’ll be perfect at this everytime.

Jonice - June 3, 2020 Reply

Hi Pat, thanks for your thoughts. I did change paragraph 1 to make it more clear that Jeremy had been made aware beforehand of Marcy’s fears about attending the reunion and why. It was indicated before, but I made it more clearcut. You are absolutely correct that communication is key to expecting emotional attunement from someone. No one can expect to have their mind read!

Graham Pringle - September 13, 2017 Reply

Hi Jonice,

I think your work is very, very important.

5 things is a lot to remember and, at this level of detail I would add a sixth, ‘plan for positive outcome’.

Would it help to re-work guidelines, and adhere to 5 plus or minus 2 things??:

1 create safety now,
2 process this moment,
3 integrate what you learn into a plan.

That makes 3 things to remember under pressure. Certainly, I get flustered and need simple guides. On reflection….there are too many words in my suggestion.

Emotional neglect is subtle yet tough, which is why your work deserves attention.

Maddie - September 12, 2017 Reply

Thank you again for an example of what “the right way” looks like. I like the way you give an example of what emotional neglect looks like, then follow with what to do instead. I experienced both emotional abuse and emotional neglect as a child. Because I did not get “the right way” modeled for me or taught to me I often find myself in social situations not knowing what to do and I wind up freezing. I am learning that emotional connection is the key. As a child I had either bad connection or no connection. What I am learning is that good emotional connection is filling the emptiness I have felt for so long. I am learning to initiate connection and to recognize and receive it when it is offered to me. I am even coaching my husband to be more emotionally connected with me. Wonderful!