7 Common False Beliefs About Relationships

I would say that most people with CEN struggle with knowing who a safe person is as if we’d have had safe role models we wouldn’t suffer CEN. My mother had a serious illness 2 years ago and despite my troubles I fully supported her but her toxic behaviour towards stepdad and myself and no ability to have insight/empathy for those trying to care for her pushed me into a nervous breakdown because I felt so guilty for needing time out. I tried to discuss the situation with my brothers; one of whom said my mum could say and behave how she wanted and the other validated my predicament but then denied ever doing so. I was called selfish, vindictive and that it was my mental health at fault – nothing to do with my mum’s behaviour. I was prevented from seeing my nephew and niece unless I agreed include my mother. I believe my family is enmeshed and codependent. They knew I was suicidal for months and I was actively punished and as a caring, introspective person; took all the blame. I constantly question whether everything was my fault despite two therapists saying not and find it hard to trust more than a handful of people.

The 7 Common False Beliefs all feel 100% true in my gut, I know they aren’t in reality but that is my internal compass. My Dad used to point his finger menacingly and say loudly “Never Trust Anyone! They all want to screw you or will kill you if it comes down to life or death, you or them!” when I would tell him about making friends in middle school. We grew up never asking how the other person was doing. Just get in the car and say “Hi” and drive home from school and work and everything is “Fine”. Then if I did confide in my parents they could save it as leverage in the future or maybe a low-blow or backstab. I also saw and heard them explain how they would do this to others… very manipulative and scary, never knew who to trust so I trusted no one wholly, always on guard, always have an exit, never commit, never admit, never divulge, to the point of trying to maintain a poker face all day.

Thank you so much dr. Jonice Webb for all your inspiring, knowledge articles. I am more and more aware why I do not like trust to people, and I do not want express my feeling to others.
I need to choose right peron, right time and how to learn new skills.

Hi J,
The solution statements require a CEN person to select a person they trust to share with.
Trust and knowing who to trust is a challenge for a CEN person.
So not a simple thing to do
Bx

I believe my partner and I both experienced CEN. I have trusted him with my feelings and try to communicate my feelings ( which I held back during my marriage). However, I get angry and upset when he is unresponsive to my expression of how Im feeling or when I repeatedly ask for some time spent together. I haven’t learned how to self soothe. He is a workaholic.

Sheila

Hi Jonice, are you familiar with the enneagram? I was wondering if you were and if you’ve thought abut how CEN and the enneagram might resonate with each other, and if you think people who have grown up with CEN are likely to be particular types, and less likely to be others. I think a lot of what you say about CEN makes sense to me and my life, and I’m just getting into the enneagram, and I think there are similarities with some aspects. Thank you.

I honestly believe all those statements have been shown to be true in my life experience…at work, in my home and certainly with my family. Jonice, this makes my reality unreal…weird, but tolerable at this stage in life. It seems the only question is whose truth is reality?

Sharing feelings and talking about problems may very well take us toward what i have come to regard as a more basic evolved trait than the competitive, adversarial, strategic hidings of feelings or needs, that seem so prized in this culture.
Kindness (which with attention, is clearly love) is elicited by openness, admission of vulnerability.
I speak from a family in which the only kindness episodes were those of a mother protecting her children, and who limited even that to acute extreme distress, counseling her young to not show distress.

What Dr. Webb seems to be countering is the cultural norm. Repressed cultures in anthropological research, are always the most violent.
Here i will not allude directly to elder males or females in my family further than to mention their violence toward others, other animals, organisms.
It may well be that trauma experienced (a perpetrator experiences, registers it as well as a vulnerable victim) leads to initiation of denial of feelings, which like some communicable disease affects all subject to it, down generations.

My own mother, now foreseeing the end of her life, takes refuge in family-destroying religion, which structure (priests, ministers etc.) actually demonstrate cruelty toward others. This has been so for 100% of the priests i have encountered since early childhood.

I have reinforced to her, her kindness, while openly discussing occasions and persistence of the opposite in other family members.
If no one is kind to you in response to your open discussion, still you must strive to be kind, a trait perhaps reinforced by vulnerable offspring, but able to occur in your feelings toward any and every living thing you ever encounter.
You are the one who feels and experiences you life. If any other ever increases their kindness, even for a moment as a result, this is good. But your only control is through your own choice to think, feel, act kind. There is no score, no failure. We only model the world we want, or not.

Just wondering how autism spectrum in a parent ties into all this.. I’m beginning to wonder if THAT is why my parents have seemed like robots, couldn’t connect, don’t talk about feelings etc.. but are ‘generally nice people’ who are well meaning. Their social/ communication skills are quite weak so it all ‘fits’. The trouble now is they are aging, would never seek ‘diagnosis’ and feel like I’m the problem for wanting to ‘be emotionally close’ and validated emotionally… they see that all as ‘weakness’ and uncomfortable… Any feedback welcome! It actually helps me to consider that ASD and not a willful desire to ignore my feelings could be the issues.. But it’s definitely hard to have a ‘healthy’ relationship with them. I feel like I either have to have no emotional needs and pretend that a surface level relationship is satisfying (which isn’t very honest) or express how I feel and get rejected/ not validated again and again… (which is disheartening)

What happens when both people in the couple suffer from CEN, but one of them won’t admit it, and refuses marriage counseling?

Dr. Jonice
It is a pleasure to have someone like you at hand, in this matters .
It helps alot!
I am Juan . From Bogota,Colombia S.A
Thak you!

Hi Jonice- After reading some of your online postings I purchased and read “running on empty” cover to cover. I am sure I had CEN growing up and also recently discovered what is known as high sensitivity. I have a very busy (work from home) schedule right now but I’ve been attempting to name and write what I’m feeling each night before bed, I’m completely at a loss. I just don’t seem to be feeling anything other than pressure to get to bed on time in the hope of getting enough sleep. Can you suggest anything that might help me start feeling? I’ve been doing this each night for over two weeks.

I have noticed however that when I do share my feelings with someone, it does tend to make them run away or at least back away from me, with a confused and shocked look. This has happened quite a lot so I am even more wary of sharing feelings.

I think it is true that as CEN persons, we may have others in our lives who are not able to handle our emotional experiences. What I am enjoying is getting to know that it does not mean that we are wrong to reach out. And maybe those others in our lives don’t necessarily need to get the heave-ho, but that we take their emotional maturity into account as a condition of the relationship. That is so much better than letting their issues make you feel like you are wrong to express yourself! And also if you can see it for what it is, then you get to make informed choices about how you involve this person in your life.

I read this list, and it seems right on for me. I wanted to comment on Lisa’s thoughts, not to criticize, but to offer my perspective. I noticed that at the beginning Dr Webb said that the CEN survivor/family of origin can both under AND over share, clearly, this was true for me. My UNDERSHARING, “be self sufficient!” family gave me the set of rules that are on this list. I began to understand the forces that shaped me as I was dealing with the emotional and financial devastation of having married a sociopath, I thought, “How did we (my children and I) get here!? There has to be a better way!” I was prone to overshare in an effort to be honest, and honor my injuries (“I’m fine” is the mantra of the Midwestern immigrant culture I was born in. It is beautiful and strong in many ways, but flawed, too.) Understanding and unlearning ‘the rules’, I came to appreciate the difference between seeking acceptance and approval EXTERNAL to myself, and getting that validation from WITHIN, which translates to authentically learning to self sooth and not just a self-imposing a siege mentality where I was locked behind the safety of an emotional fortress – openness vs. closed-ness. I am learning that I can survive the terror and isolation of being vulnerable until I find someone who is safe to share it with… a process of discernment rather than differentiation. This has meant learning to trust that I can hold the pain, fear and uncertainty until I find someone I trust. This is hard: I don’t DENY that I hurt or pretend that I HANDLE it alone, only that I am strong enough to HOLD it alone and keep living until I find that safe place. It’s like swimming in the water with a great white shark, sometimes… but I trust I keep if keep swimming, CONSCIOUSLY choosing my path, I will find what I need. Goodness knows, that I was MISERABLE at identifying these people at first, but as I have calmed the panic driven desperation to connect with someone, ANYONE, and learned to reassure the wounded part of me that can only be in the NOW by accepting that although I am feeling completely overwhelmed, this too shall pass. And to accept that I can survive my mistakes… each “unsafe” person offers great lessons about how NOT to choose people. Simply asking myself “what do I need? What does that situation/person look like? How will I know? What in me communicates to THEM that I am safe?” I am getting better, and have started to find my tribe… rare birds, indeed, but a little more common than 0.05%! Best to you all, and thank you, Dr Webb

It is unfortunate that some people who cannot parent become parents. And maybe they cannot parent because of
their parents behavior and/or lack of family values. It is often how a life is ruined from it’s very start. Not having the ability to parent should not be something to be ashamed of. It is just acceptance of how one grew up and concern for their own behavior. I have friends who decided not to have children because of their own difficult childhood as they are afraid to perpetuate the behavior they were subject to. I had the best intentions to have my own family, but I married, a person who is exactly like my mother, without realizing it until it was too late and after counseling. Two children in and you find out your married to a person who thinks only of themself. As long as they are happy, that is all that matters. I guess the behavior is familiar so you respond as your familiar, even comfortable with it. Making another feel cared for, never mine loved is not on their radar! It is all about them. Today in general, in the U.S. life has become quite difficult just to survive each day because as a politically managed country we do not prioritize the importance of the quality of our citizens’ lives. Quality of life is everything. And you should not have to be rich to experience it! Being intelligent, working hard, doesn’t matter when your own society is working against your success. They just allow immigrants to come into the place you lived all your life, where you were born, and the place you worked so hard to live in/sustain and replace you in the workforce with those who work cheaper and throw you away. No conscience. No values. The new America! Just like how families behave…..get someone new and different, so they can look important to someone new, or desperate. Throw away a thinking, breathing person, hard working person so you can get one who is willing to put up with you! All victimization! It starts in society. America, like american families are predatory. No responsibility to those they are suppose to be responsible to. Sad but true. You notice, the Germans, Danes, Swedes, Fins, Norse, and many other people from afar do not come to America. For they have a quality of life in their homeland they can relate to. But I as an American have no country. Because my country is everything to anybody…..even those who expect an American to be sacrificed for their comfort.

Hi Jonice , maybe it is my age in my seventies , closing my businesses after 45 years, all social meetings from charity work to recreational and professional meetings now Cancelled but sort of virtual and still keeping in touch by phone to hear a voice or mostly vs email much less personal this COVID19 since March 2020 almost like two years being April 2021 now going forward without any consistencies people need for direction and now have turned inward to save self first and outward is fenced in by the lockdown or it seems locked up rules in those communities with the higher numbers of infection.

The sense I am getting there is a big People time out until the vaccines give some sense of security and the scary part is the governments seem to seize on our freedoms in ways I am having trouble reconciling as fair but more about being under their ownership and control .

Frankly the narrative since learning and reading your so value added info looking for solutions it seems the personal connecting & caring is being suppressed and now is the time to reach out both within and without to find a sense of balance to a normality we once enjoyed even in troubling
times.

Thank-you for reaching out to us Jonice !

The gov’t pablum is hard to swallow, choking and worrisome as the new new of this is the way it is and losing the relationships developed over the years as lockdown is like a lockup in one’s own domicile it is your caring and sharing to keep the lights on Jonice to all that comforts and gives each individual some room for hope and balance .

You are like the sun rising in the East and it’s magnificence brightly settling in the West a new day is coming tomorrow to stay in the light no matter the weather overhead or overheard .

Once we if we return to a sense of normal have an uphill battle because this overwhelming sense of being controlled is not part of the freedom those who came before fought and died for so yes it seems like a time out and what we need during these incoming eight months is more light and warmth of the self and it is a “ time in” for each other to reconnect with self first and others in emphatic caring as the vaccines give us a sense of more security and the freedom to do so.

The question is will our governments let it go so we can? Not sure they will Jonice .

This is really my concern going forward they will not, liking the control and the rules . And It makes it hard for anyone to have control of one’s own personal outcomes first daily when the sense is the skies are metaphorically dark cloudy & grey when light is what we need to see and find our direction(s) forward .

Do keep your enlightenment incoming Jonice.
If we forget to say thank you then be assured we are saying thank you in the most heartfelt of ways to keep the lights turned on.
GWOR & thank- you 04/042021

7 thumbs up. I appreciate the good work you are doing.

I imagine the journey from an emotionally neglected childhood to an emotionally abusive relationship with a partner is a fairly common path. While the above beliefs may be false, simply calling them out as such when it is all many of us have every experienced isn’t helpful.

I can’t have any relationships, not even friendships, because I can’t trust anyone. I have tried ‘opening up, ‘ sharing my feelings etc. and nothing has changed. I have been alone for decades. I can’t feel emotionally close to anyone. I don’t know how to learn to trust others.

well these 7 signs perfectly held out for those where the two of the people in a relationship agrees to counter a problem together, in my case i am the one who is willing but my partner’s absolute reluctance is makin situation worst…

Yes this is definitely contingent on having the right people in your life. So I guess if you’re made to feel like a burden, you’ve got the wrong ones.

Numbers 3-7 are false, because 99.9% of people are untrustworthy.

This article describes my Husband to a T. He keeps his feelings to himself, walks away from conflict, does a lot of things for me (action) when I am feeling down when what I really need is emotional support. Always says he is “ok” when it’s obvious he is not. Also, he is majorly passive aggressive, which I believe ties into this article. Now, I have read a lot about passive aggressive types and I read this article and everything I have read says that both of these stems from a childhood where emotion is suppressed in some way. When I ask my Husband if he felt afraid or unable to express his emotions when he was growing up, he says “no”. I am wondering if he just doesn’t realize it, doesn’t want to tell me, or if all this stems from something else. I think it would help for him to know why he feels this way.

But what if these beliefs are true? While you make mention of making sure the people you share your feelings with are capable of handling it, you neglect to talk about the very real possibility that the people in your life cannot cope with emotions, just like you. It is possible to burden others with our emotions. We cannot necessarily expect others to validate our feelings or to be there for us emotionally. We must learn to self validate & self soothe as needed. It’s called differentiation.