10 Ways You May Have Been Emotionally Invalidated as a Child

I have just ordered your book! I too am a highly sensitive person…I am an artist and an art teacher and am going through an EXCRUTIATING divorce in which my husband WILL NOT validate my feelings. He has betrayed me in a way that he can not comprehend and so it is incredibly painful. He accuses me of being difficult. I have realized through this that I experienced this as a child as well…the invalidation. Although my parents were very present, they did not deeply understand me, and still don’t. They taught me my emotions are too much or are inaccurate. They often want to “fix” me and have me just get over it. I have suffered deeply as a result. I never even knew all of this was possible….I now get it. But I still can not get over being invalidated by someone I have trusted my entire adult life. I am hoping to find some relief in reading your book. He refuses to see any of his weaknesses and thinks he has done nothing wrong. I try to tell him about his conflict avoidance and lack of emotional awareness but he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. His whole family is like this so I don’t know why he can’t see it….

Keep in mind that every child’s ’emotional threshold’ is, always has been, and always will be different. So some parents may be trying to meet the threshold thar they would have considered acceptable as a child, even if their own child’s emotional threshold is lower or higher. I am, and have always been (ever since I can remember) highly sensitive, and so I have a much higher minimum threshold.

It was difficult to rationalize that someone who is overtly aggressive does not understand that they feel angry. Then, punishing a child for expressing anger. This is the experience of gaslighting and I sometimes gaslight myself.

…my now 90yr old mom,STILL a source of anger,resentment an bitterness for me…I’m 64 and can’t seem to jump these hurdles.Working with a therapist,but feel like it will take awhile.

I’m 54 now and the anger that I feel inside and worthlessness is dehabilitating. My mother is the issue and she is 84 now and I am the one who has been looking after her, my brother and sister are almost nonexistent. My mother is getting worse with her gaslighting and constant invalidating of my emotions. I’m struggling with the damage it has done and what to do being that she needs someone to help her and I’m the only one who helps. I’m desperate

My feelings have always been invalid. While growing up and now with my husband. I try to tell him how I feel and he tells me that my feelings are incorrect or i feel that way because I took what ever was said to going on wrong. I’ve been told by him, when I being up a topic that I’m making a big deal out of it and I am creating an argument out of nothing. I literally asked him a simple yes/no question. We have two children together. He does the same with them… telling them that crying is for babies and crying is them being bad. I validate them and them feelings. I listen to them and let them know I understand. I ask them how they feel we should fix or mend. Me and the kids, collectively, come together and work it out. He dismisses them and tells me that I’m making them be like my other three kids and how horrible they turned out. (Oldest is in jail (never in trouble as a child), next is here at home with us and joined the army last week and my teen is a teen.) I dont believe I’m a bad parent but hearing it enough im starting to believe I am. I’ve never been on meds before and just recently had to get on antidepressants because I needed help coping with it all. Life. Him, anxiety. I break down crying atleast 3 times a week. No one knows because I’m by myself. I just want a normal, peaceful, loving life with mtly children and I want them to feel safe and secure and know they can come to me about any thing and know we will work it out or celebrate together. Here I am writing on this looking for validation…. I need help to figure all this out.

I found this article because I’m trying to put into words why I get “stuck” in low moods for hours and hours. I’m certain it is related to my father accusing me of faking my emotions to get attention when I was a child with chronic pain. I reacted by feeling like I had to stay in certain emotional states long enough for it to be acknowledged as “real.” I don’t know how to break this cycle without feeling or seeming fake to my partner.

My mom and dad split when I was two, let’s just say my mind has had her fair share of men and has finally found a boyfriend, she can’t see why I’m anxious and upset when I was used to it being just me and her for so long and when I talk about it I’m “dramatic” “pathetic” the list goes on

My mother died when I was two. My dad was mean I had 7 brothers 2 sisters. I’m the youngest. One brothercommitted suicide when I was 19, my baby brother died at 6 months. My 2 other brothers died. Young. I get treated like I do not exist and get told who cares how you feel. I’m 56 now and it finally took a toll on me I have no one to talk too about anything. I’m sad all the time depressed and anxious. I’m a walking functioning depressed person. In front of people I act ok. It’s hard. I’m not ok inside. I been around a lot of death at a young age, hard to function sometimes.

Family death never discussed.

Half at least of these are accurate. I just can’t get rid of my parents, though they dont actually seem to care! I’m only 14, so I could be in accurate

I’m only thirteen, and this is exactly what’s been happening. My feelings are always denied, my mom denied the fact that I have really bad anxiety, and now I’ve become very independent and insecure. Talking about my feelings is one of my biggest fears. Even though I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety months ago, I still relive all that yelling and trauma in my mind.

Such a shame to be learning this stuff at age 56. Not only hear my childhood an emotional desert, my lack of understanding emotions has perpetuated the cycle to my children who exhibit the obvious symptoms of CEN. Not only am I an empty shell of a person I’ve set my kids up for a painful life.

Sarah.
I have recently spoken to a counselor who said i was neglected as a child. before we talked I knew that I never had a conventional childhood. my mother was my only parent from the age of 5. i have two younger sisters and we had no rules. our mother was our friend, we were a team. as i reached 8, my mother would go out and not return until the next day. i found that i easily stepped into her role and she was no longer needed on a day to day basis. just for money to buy food. when she was home she would be there and part of the team but when she wasn’t she was not missed. all 10 of the statements are true for me. but i don’t feel bad it was just the norm. when i left home at 15 i was like a 40 year old, very responsible i became a nurse and enjoyed my job. i got married and had a daughter. it is only now that i have started to feel anxious that i am to tired. the i need a break. that i can not cope. i find it difficult to ask for help and have started avoiding everything. i do not know where to start to be myself again

At least 7 definitely apply.
I’m in very bad relations with my parents. Recently I suggested that they make a few changes in how we communicate to make me feel better and, in turn, to make me treat them better. Not only they didn’t accept my suggestions or suggest changes for me, they blamed me for suggesting. At this point it is interesting: is making at least some of these changes life or death decision for them? Is it something they absolutely can’t do or at least try under any circumstances? I’m their child after all. They did things for me that were far less important for me.

Every single one of them and I have no clue what to do with myself. I’ve been managing and I have some awareness but it’s really difficult when it comes to trying to be responsible for myself and have discipline and survive University and interpersonal relationships. I wish I had a therapist who could EDMR me into healing.

10 for 10 lol… :/

So many of these relate to me. I’m 58 and I believe I am still at the beginning stages of dealing with these things. I am finally seeing an EMDR therapist who specializes in treating trauma. I never knew, until I started seeing this therapist, how out of touch I was with my emotions. I’m very good at saying what I think others want me to say, including how I’m feeling. I was to the point where I believed myself. Now, things are coming up and the emotions either overwhelm me or I block them out with some diversionary technique.
I could go on and on and I don’t think I even have a question. Thank you for providing a place for venting.

I grew up with CEN and am now in a marriage that perpetuates the cycle. I want to grow and heal but find myself struggling alone . Are there support groups thats work on these skills specifically?

Right on the money, Dr. Webb. As someone whose whole life was affected by CEN, I thank you for your attention to this issue and for sharing your work with us!

Therapists in Brisbane, Australia?

Number 4 (Feelings ignores as if they don’t exist) and the walling off of one’s emotional demands really resonates with my memories growing up, but I also recognize that I often ‘sold myself short’ and voluntarily suppressed my emotional needs because I saw the toll that my siblings’ needs – and the rest of our difficult family life took on my mother. I would hear her dealing with my sister or my brother at bedtime, and see and hear her exhaustion by the time she got to me. No problems here Mom, stiff upper lip, Mom. Goodnight Mom.

I’ve repeated that pattern a lot in my life, in romantic relationships, but in professional life, too.

My partner has a lot of number 7 (Emotions twisted and thrown back), I suspect that this stemmed form being raised by her father, after her parents divorced, and whom we recognize is a malignant narcissist. When we were first together, if I raised the topic of my emotional needs, she’d quickly counter with a greater need of her own, or negate my needs relative to hers. Add to that the stress she experiences from a job with a boss who is very direct with his emotional needs (i.e.: throws tantrums) and a six year old (somewhat less prone to tantrums) and there isn’t much bandwidth left at the end of the day.

Eventually I just slipped back into my old pattern – nope, no problems here. Goodnight honey.

A this point, my greatest challenge is to keep convincing myself that my emotional needs are genuine, and that continually requesting recognition despite rejection, is the right thing to do.

I was sexually abused by my father throughout my childhood. Nobody ever found out at the time. To this day not even my mum knows and I’m middle aged now. There is no bigger ‘your feelings don’t matter’ message for a child as when their parent abuses them and piles on the shame and guilt to make them keep their secret. And on top of that, and separate to it, my mother didn’t meet our emotional needs. She’s most likely got CEN too from her childhood and she will not under any circumstances talk about feelings, unless it’s to express anger. She even makes jokes about people who talk about their feelings like it’s the worst thing in the world to do.

I had some counselling recently and it helped me see that I’m incapable of recognising and meeting my own emotional needs. My counsellor never mentioned CEN (she may never have heard of it) but it was during therapy that I came across it on the internet and it totally resonated. It’s helped me be more tolerant and forgiving of my mother, which in turn eases what was a pretty constant anger and hurt, and to notice when I’m ignoring my emotional needs, and then take steps to look after myself better. It’s not easy but I have small victories and I can be proud of myself. Thank you Dr Jonice.

As a High Sensitive Person, reading this blog made me realize I might be a CEN too. Is that possible?

1,4,7 and 10 = not good score. Although I had an aunt who listened, my mother did not and turned my feelings against me. I did not realise that this was gaslighting.
Thank you Jonice – your posts are really helping me identify what is it I’m feeling and why.

As I kid, I was berated for expressing anger, shamed for expressing fear and ridiculed for expressing sadness. Excitement was quickly shut down as being too noisy. Frustration resulted in a never-ending lecture about being an ingrate and failing to strive to better myself.
Today, I am in a constant state of malaise about how I am in the world. I need help but don’t have the wherewithall to seek it. I’m just waiting out my end. Terrified.

I think I saw myself in just about all of them to some extent. The relationship with my mother wasn’t confrontational but it wasn’t healthy either. My father simply went to work and supported the household. My father had an opportunity to counter it, but he missed the opportunity. Years later, when my parents separated my father told me straight out that he felt he’d failed me as a father. I was very smart and perceptive about just about everything but had nothing to show for it. Poor grades in school and a so-so social life.

That left me at age 20 with the task of trying to re-parent myself. It was a huge task but I was largely successful. I got through college though I didn’t have a satisfying career. Adult relationships have sadly been problematic. I paid a stiff price for my parents’ bad marriage. They hid everything, thinking what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. There were subtle signs which I simply chose to ignore. I chose not to feel.

I just don’t know at this later stage of life if I even have the capability to have a successful adult relationship.

I recognise pretty much all those points, but at this stage I can’t seem to be bothered to do anything about it. It just seems such a huge effort, but for what exactly?

Maybe when I was younger all this information would have spurred me on, especially when my kids were little, but I managed to avoid repeating history by doing pretty much exactly the opposite of my own upbringing, and by reading up about child development. They had some issues growing up, but are well adjusted and contented adults now.

Feeling flat and empty is just normal, has been for so many decades there seems to be no point in changing it. I can recall 2 years that felt very different, more colourful and vibrant, and I was like a different person, but I don’t appear to have any great desire to get back to that state even if that were possible.

I didn’t get myself into this, how is it I don’t want to get out of it?

My mother used to accuse me of crocodile tears constantly and insist that if I was crying I was using it as a form of manipulation. She had a terrible temper, would scream at me and hit me, and when I inevitably cried she would shout at me to stop. I couldn’t stop, I didn’t know how. I still don’t understand what was going through her mind. If I ever complained about being tired or wanting to go home when they were drinking and I was forced to be out with them somewhere, I was met with a “how dare you…” etc. Needless to say I grew up thinking I was an inherently bad and selfish person. Still plagues me to this day and I’m 30 now.

Of all of these, I can relate to #7 the deepest. Most of the others, thankfully, didn’t apply to me, but I still have realized that I was emotionally invalidated regularly. Another way that I didn’t see listed is parents mocking their kids’ interests, political views, etc. and generally talking down to them. I think that it creates resentment, can make confidence decline, and can be harmful if unrecognized.

Not having been able to freely express negative feelings and fears as a child and adult one lives quietly inside oneself. How do i begin to “come out” and why?

To this day, my mother gives me mugs or cards that say things like “You know you can do this.” or “I believe in me and no one can stop me!”

They never say, “I believe in you” or “I know you can do this, because…”

I had so much intelligence, creativity, and passion for things like music and humor growing up, but my parents never asked or encouraged anything. They never talked to me about anything having to do with feelings or me having any gifts or talents, so I grew up feeling lucky, in consideration of my being nothing, to have any job.

I was never told I was anything, so I didn’t believe I could do anything. No trophies, awards, or certificates. Crappy grades. I’ve worn a cloak of shame and fear as far back as I can remember.

It’s an odd feeling, to know you are very smart, but also very dumb, at the same time.

I would LOVE to have some conversation with a woman negotiating CEN and relationships. Since my wife split, I’ve been apprehensive about dating again, because I fear I can’t bring anything to the table and will only disappoint (despite being mannered, conscientious, thoughtful, hilarious, attentive, and always trying to improve).

One thing I have noticed about my emotions is that when something has really wounded me, I don’t ever really seem to heal from it. On an emotional level, I just bleed from it, forever. This is very difficult to function with …

My father once told me,”We raised you to solve your own problems,” but my thought was that it was neglect, not a parenting strategy. Lately, I am overwhelmed with the thought that “everybody gets what they want except me,” and wonder if it’s because I was never taught to express what I needed.

So many of these hit home for me. My parents had me when they were 19 years old and they themselves were emotionally neglected so they lacked the tools to support me properly.

On top of that I was “gifted” and had severe social anxiety, which wasn’t treated. My parents had high expectations of me because of my intelligence, but couldn’t understand when I was too afraid to do things in front of or with groups of people.

My father was very angry and verbally abusive so I learned to shut down whenever someone became angry and never learned how to resolve conflict. I go out of my way to avoid confrontation and smooth things over with people, which has lead to unhealthy relationships.

I have my own child now, who has pretty severe ADHD and social anxiety. I’ve gone out of my way to do everything the opposite way my parents did. I never yell, when I set limits or take away a privilege, I always explain why. I always make sure he knows he’s loved and let him know he can come to me with anything, but he never does. I feel like despite trying so hard to be a good, loving parent, he’s turning out exactly like me anyway and I don’t know what to do. I just want him to have a happy, healthy life.

I can definitely relate to building a wall to save others from my emotions. Growing up I got the general message that having emotions or needs was inconvenient, so I stopped expressing them. I was expressing my needs to my mother when I was a young adult and felt more independent. She told me to focus on the positive and to not dwell on any negative feelings. I guess she decided what was negative and what was positive. The only emotions I could safely share were joy, excitement, and happiness because those weren’t inconvenient.

Hi!
Oh gosh, the image of the dying plant is so sad!
What do you think about this real life situation that commonly happens to me, even as an adult? I’m very nervous, worried, stressed etc. about some upcoming event and parents or friends say to me: “everything is going to be alright”, “don’t worry, you’ll be fine”. I actually love this, it does make me feel better/calmer!
So they are not really “validating” my negative emotions…made me think, what is actually the difference between invalidation and reassurance? But reassurance does feel very good!

* Your emotional expressions are twisted and thrown back at you.
I’d be curious to ask, what would be a “typical” example of this?

I (and we) as women…I’ve noticed that certain time of the month, I’m very “emotional”, anger, irritation, crying, like really intense, reactive emotions which is not the normal me at all. Do I also need to listen to and validate these emotions or are they just some “pseudo” emotions, like brain chemistry gone wonky because of fluctuating hormones?

I like it that you always end your articles with hopeful and positive, future/solution-oriented words. Dwelling endlessly in the past (and I do have tendency for that!) and like “poor me, I have cen”, probably doesn’t solve anything?

Mother: “If you are going to cry, go to your room.”

Boss:”Kelly, you need to be more emotive.”

Kelly: “Huh?”