3 Challenges of Having Emotionally Neglectful Parents

Thank you for these articles. I especially enjoy reading other people’s words about how they feel about their parents. I was trying to find one of your articles I read that I can’t find again. The main idea was that parents should be the one to make the first move to repair relationships. Do you know which one I’m talking about and would you be able to link it?

Thanks for giving me permission to feel weird around my parents Dr. Webb.

And thanks for your books and other posts. I feel they have helped give me understanding of myself and healthy strategies for coping with CEN.

Thanks, Jonice, for another wonderful article that helped me so much!!!. I love my Dad but at 56 I’ve given up the hope of having any meaningful relationship with him. He takes ZERO interest in me or my life and only wants to use me to do his laundry and chores. He remembers nothing that happened to me like me suffering from Bell’s palsy or shingles which were extremely traumatic for me yet he remembers any money he’s given me. When I go over to help him out he doesn’t even have the decency to stop watching a program he has recorded showing me over and over I’m not worth his time and attention. Everything is ALWAYS about him and he actually acts like I’m bothering him if I dare try to talk about my problems. I actually start to feel ashamed for trying to talk to my parent about myself and guilty. How sick is that??? Thanks so MUCH for telling me I am allowed to be hurt and angry with him. I really needed to hear that!!!!

Dear Dr. Webb,

I was struck by the parent comments above which in essence seems to discount still discount their adult child’s claims of CEN. First, I would say to any parent, including myself, that you must give thorough consideration to someone’s accusations of you inflicting emotional neglect. I am certain both of my parents suffered from significant emotional neglect which was then inflicted on us both involuntarily and voluntarily. As a parent, my first thought is to be willing to hear my child when they have a complaint about my behavior or the way I have handled a situation. What works for one child may not work for another and I have to be willing to make changes for the best interest the child and our relationship. I don’t think the real focus of CEN is to end relationships but, instead, to strengthen them by teaching family members to realize we all have feelings and those who love us should protect those feelings with respect. There are consequences when this does not happen.

I also want to point out that there are mental health conditions where parents may be accused of emotional neglect because their child is unable to have healthy relationships in their current condition. If a parent and child are unable to take the information you provide and renegotiate a healthy relationship, mental illness of any of the participants could be to blame and should be considered.

Your books have helped me on my journey to heal. Both of my parents have passed. And although my past is painful, I surround myself with those who both love me and treat me and my emotions with respect. I am thankful!!

Tammy

Wow. Thank you.

I made the mistake of trying to discuss CEN with my mother before I fully understood it – we were in therapy together at the time due to my own nervous breakdown at age 55 (my mother was 9).

I wish I’d read your book before addressing my trauma with her, although I really don’t think it would have made a difference with my mother (she is now 93 and has the full support of 3 of her codependent, bullying – “flying monkey” – sons).

Your books and emails have helped me immensely. I continue on my journey, but I am well out of the woods.

I now have VERY limited contact with my elderly mother (I had been her and my father’s primary caregiver for years – very codependent).

I learned from you how to set appropriate boundaries and protect myself.

I am virtually no contact with 3 of my brothers. I’m the youngest of 7 kids. Fortunately, I’ve been able to repair my relationship with my 2 sisters and 1 of my 4 brothers in large part thanks to what I’ve learned from you. I still do most of the heavy lifting, but they try to meet me halfway which I’m so appreciative of.

Thank you for these email reminders that I’m on the right track!

All three are true for me. I am trying to figure out how to have contact with them in a way that is safe for me. I have been working on forgiveness, developing strong boundaries, and also speaking up for myself and stating my truth. I like the last part of the article : “By accepting your own needs and feelings, you have made a good start. Your first responsibility is to yourself. You must protect yourself, even if it’s from your own parents.”
Thank you for the validation and encouragement. Its nice to know that there are people out there who get it.

I would share this with my parents, but they rarely read anything I give them… even so, they never get rid of anything.

Once I realised that my mother had emotionally neglected me, it was easier to be round her. I no longer felt there was something wrong with me for having negative feelings towards her, or being unable to feel close to her. I saw her as a victim of her own upbringing, or personality, that did not enable her to reach out to her children.

What was interesting to me was the need to continue to put up boundaries in order to protect ourselves even as adults. I kept thinking that the damage was done as a child, but now as an adult we are now more equal and we should be on the same level. But this article indicates that we (me) are still being hurt by our parents, even as adults. That’s what I have been struggling with and thank you for this validation. I am still being treated the same way as I was when I was a child. I try and work so hard on this issue but it constantly revisits when I visit or talk with my parent. Afterwards, I am hurt and very angry, and that anger stays inside. I tried talking with my parent once but was met with bewilderment and no understanding. Your articles are such a lifeline. Thank you for all your kindness,understanding, books, articles and validation. It’s incredibly helpful.,

Have bought the book running on empty and can fully understand how my children one in particular may feel they suffered CEN . I myself realised I have and although I am now 71 the sudden death of my mother when I was 13 still can still haunt le and the way in which I was never given the emotion support from my father who was obviously grieving and has caused le grief throughout my life I was also married to a emotional abusive man divorced at 35 with three children and retrained as a police officer which again is certainly an Abusive career I was in I fully accept reading the book how my neglect has had such sadly an effect on my grown up children who luckily I have a good relationship and can talk to apart from one who is still angry .It is such a complex area and I also dealt with child abuse in my job never realising the full extent of CEN on myself Thank you a very interesting book although I feel CEN is certainly quite complex with many people not affected by it

My mother falls under the Well Meaning But Neglected Herself category (with a huge side of Permissive), but every time I’ve tried to communicate with her about it, she’s blown up at me and brought up “well what about xyz nice thing I did for you?”
She doesn’t want to admit that she made any mistakes at all. I have a disability/neurodivergence that made it hard for her to understand me, plus our temperaments and priorities are very different. This didn’t stand out to me much when I was very young, and I felt close to her then, but once my younger brother started getting older I could see pretty clearly that he had a lot more in common with her, they clicked so much better. When I try to talk to her about this, she views it as me accusing her of favoritism when I know she loved us both equally, but he received understanding that I didn’t. Sometimes, I was told to hide my interests and concerns around him because she wanted to protect him from anything remotely dark or unpleasant (I’ve always had an interest in complex subjects that can contain “scary” information and I also suffer from health anxiety.) This made me feel less important. But when I bring up how her ignorance has hurt me, she never views it as an earnest conversation, she only views it as an attack on her intelligence and it gets me nowhere. I want to have the supportive relationship I was denied somewhere other than inside my own head.

I did speak with my parents (dad & stepmom, in their 70s) last year. It wasn’t well received. In my explanation, the topic of emotional awareness was brought up and telling that I know that you probably didn’t have much experience with any of this growing up either, and I get that. My father responded, how can there be emotional awareness if it doesn’t have anything to do with me? The conversation went down from there. He spent a good part of it pointing out all the things I did wrong as a child. I asked him what his point is in pointing all this out, was it to show how difficult I was? His reply was no. In some emails that followed it, I was being direct, his response was, you are wrong and messed up. Later conversations, he acted like nothing ever happened, that nothing was said, we’ll just pick up where we left off. I told him I’m not sitting on the phone listening to you talk anymore and not ask anything about me.
They don’t understand even to this day. Sending me a message in a birthday card about not agreeing about “things”. I’m not a thing.
I’ve haven’t spoken to them since Dec. 2020.

Thank you for the list of therapists. I have found a couple fairly close to the city I live in and I’m going to contact them. I have had all kinds of therapy over the years, but now I need to go to a counsellor who understands CEN.

Dear Jonice I look forward to your emails every Sunday and am so thankful for your constant support and illuminating communications. For me the relationship with my parents remains the hardest aspect of CEN. I am a 52 year old woman and my parents are in their late 70’s now. How do you try and repair something that they don’t even recognise as being broken? An egotistical, misogynistic father who thinks he’s 10 men and responsible for his children’s success ( which was achieved despite him and not because of him ), and a mother who just lives a life of domestic details, unable to love, care or nurture and remains superficial to this day. Both absent and indifferent in so many ways. There is no connection with either of them and I’m an emotionally intelligent person which makes matters worse- where did that come from if it wasn’t taught? This is a mystery to me but brings me such pain. I know when they are gone all I will do is mourn what could have been and that which was never there. Any suggestions for tackling these feelings would be really appreciated in your future communications.

I am afraid there’s little else to do but to mourn and grieve how one’s parents “outside” never matched what you needed “inside” – perhaps for a lifetime … Perhaps lots of people may want to “out-think” the truth with it’s hopeless facts but there is nothing wrong with giving up and grieving (crying) for that child inside that was always struggling for attention or some kind of love or hugs or affirmation ….There is nothing wrong with tears that resolve the painful truth .. Accepting even no relationship is better than permanent struggles and illusions …..It’s a very sad step to reach but for some of us it’s all too true ..

Then you start taking care of the leftover child of pain inside you, yourself .. Becoming the mirror where sadness now takes root but also understanding that some parents cannot truly see or love their own children ….It’s a loss but loss grows maturity and wisdom .. xx

Dear Jonice,
My wife and I found your books to be very helpful. We found answers to many questions that bothered us for a long time. We told some of our friends about books. I wonder if I should talk to my parents about CEN. I’m concerned that even if positive result is achieved very quickly, they may still be anxious for a while. Since they are in early 70s, is potential upside worth potential downside? Please understand that I’m not looking for a very definite yes/no answer. Maybe I missed something in the book that can help me find the answer. I’d appreciate your direction. Thank you

This registers with me although it was mostly my mother that neglected me. I’m now 56 and over the years I’ve come to realise that she is an extremely selfish person and expects no-one to question her, even my Dad went along with it ‘anything for a peaceful life’s sort of guy but in the last few years I’ve come to realise he was scared of her as he became frail through cancer and I lost him in September 2019. I now realise my mother was only interested in me in the last year or so as I was of use to her and since my dad passed away she has decided to cut me out of her life completely. Her choice, her loss is how I now deal with it. I cared for my Dad when she was too busy with her social life. I’m still coming to terms with losing my Dad but with her I cant lose what I never had can I?

When I was maybe around 8-9 years old I bite people for no reason I didn’t know not to do that. but then my mother. shes has done something that will be traumatizing forever and why I am scared of my mother. One day when I bit my little brother for no reason (keep in mind I was little) that was the last straw for my mother. So, she slapped me on the mouth and my mouth was bruised and bleeding. My mum told me not to tell anyone about this but now after maybe 2 or 3 years I have spoken up about this.

Everything I red is so true. my parents take my feelings as a joke.
There was a time where me and my parents had a small argument then my parents wanted to push my buttons. I could hear her whisper to my dad “im gonna act like im talking about her and im gonna show you how sensitvie she is” after she acted like she was talking about me i said “uhm.. stop talking about me would you.. :(” then she started laughing at me saying how im so sensitive and how sons are better than daughter. i said to her “STOP! IT ISNT FUNNY! IM JUST SENSITIVE!!” then they started yelling at me for standing up for myself. they dont take my feelings seriously.

Hi, As a counsellor in a school community, I come across teens who are emotionally neglected. I wonder if there’s some resource that would be useful to work with these students now. There seems to be quite a bit around for adults dealing with emotional neglect, but not so much kids. Thanks for this article.

Dr Webb, Apparently, you deleted or blocked my post and your reply from the Comments thread.
I have never seen you write on PsychCentral about trying to repair CEN relationships. You only talk about separation and continued blame as a cause of adult struggles.
We’ve offered to meet with her with any professional or chaplain of her choice. Our communication was through her Army chaplain. Everything she has read or been counseled suggests her separating from us.
Her neglect was: discontinued ballet classes due to family scheduling conflicts, a missed dance recital, not protecting her from all of her brother’s downgrading comments, a childhood nickname she decided was derogatory 10 years later, supporting her choice of sexual purity, and more. The worst is how she tells others how bad her childhood was so they reinforce her complaints “You poor dear. Come get a hug” and much more.
Then, she does nothing as her husband emotionally abuses our granddaughters as he puts them on involuntary display. We see them in very controlled environments once or twice a year even though they live 3 miles away.
The counseling she gets appears to only make things worse.

I am new to your valuable articles about CEN. I’m glad to be able to relate to other people’s dilemma. My parents have been gone since the late 70’s.. I was the scapegoat and my sisters repeat their patterns. I’m just now trying to get a grip on my life (it’s been rough) and slowly achieving. I am partially deaf. Disabilities forbidden in my family and I was ignored profusely causing PTSD and very suppressed emotions

More of this Emotional Neglect malpractice. No mention of trying to resolve the issues. Only more encouragement to build walls.
So, if a child ‘thinks’ they were emotionally neglected by their parent(s) when they were a child, they can pay them back by emotionally neglecting them for the next 40 years as an adult. That sounds like a very mature attitude……NOT.
Not all relationships can be improved but not suggesting even trying to improve the relationship, even with the aid of a professional counselor/therapist is malpractice.
One sided complaints are rarely accurate. Bringing the other party(ies) into the process is important.

Is there any merit to focus on your validation needs from your parents when you’ve realized there’s no chance of change in the relationship with the parents?
Shouldn’t we be more focused on accepting that we’re good enough and amazing without their validation? Then moving on to live a good life without them.

Dear Jonice. Took me forever to figure this out. Just so happens that both my parents are narcissists. So their emotional neglect was firmly tied up in ” their way way or the high way” . Any articles that link those 2 together that you might have written?

I’m, as a person with exactly such parents, really understand everything that is written here and see that they behave this way because of their mistakes that they made earlier. Of course, this has a good promise, but in reality it affects a person very badly because of how toxic they bring this thought. That is why for a long time after I left my parents, I visited a psychologist in order to settle my psyche and stifle the same attempts at toxic behavior.

What’s doubly tough is when you try to talk about this with siblings and they won’t or accuse you of being bitter or resentful. It means I’ve got to throw a few more logs on the “I’m done with this” fire.

This may be helpful for those whose parents are still alive. But l have yet to read anything of help to someone whose parents are both dead.

This is so apt for me right now. My father & I had an ‘event’ at the end of last year where he yelled abuse at me, insulted me and my profession. It was so bad that he even insulted my face (“What’s wrong with your mouth?” – I was pursing my lips to keep from yelling back). It was absolutely awful. I’d been spending every day at their home, helping them downsize and he exploded when I suggested he stop being so rude to the person on the phone.
I’m 56 years old and felt myself crumble into a 4 year old. The gift for me in that moment was the confirmation that he has been emotionally abusing me and my Mum for years. He shuts us down, demeans us, belittles us (“Just women”), & in response, we shut down, don’t speak up and keep emotions to ourselves. Since then I have seen very little of them and am ridiculously grateful for the pandemic as it is a great excuse to not see them. I refuse to be alone with him. I’ve stopped sharing anything about work and stick to topics like gardening (where he still ‘tells’ me what to do). Your article confirms for me that Boundaries are so necessary now. Thank you

CEN how do you become free when they are dead and you yourself 70 years of age?

I wish I had known about CEN when my parents were alive. I knew my parents were well meaning but unable to have the kind of relationship I wanted with them. They themselves had not been nourished by their own parents, my father had been physically and emotionally abused by his stepmother and his father hadn’t intervened.

So I accepted what we did have and tried to meet their needs. I grieved the loss of that relationship long before they died. When they died I didn’t really feel their loss like my friends did when they lost their parents.

One way CEN has affected me, that I’ve never seen addressed, is in the spiritual dimension. As a Christian (Catholic) I’d like to feel a loving confidence in God as Father. I don’t naturally ‘feel’ this even though I strongly believe. I wonder if there’s a way a therapist can help work through this or do I just accept this is the way I am?

This is a valid and helpful article. However, I am still dealing with CEN concerning both my parents, and they have passed away. I would like to see an article about dealing with emotions after the parents have been dead for years, because obviously I can’t address any of my concerns to them but I am still struggling.

Wow, the “3 Common Challenges of Having Emotionally Neglectful Parents” are so true for me. Thank you for putting these challenges into words. You do feel cutoff from your parents because one day you realize they don’t even know who you are deep down. It’s all superficial. The first statement spoke to me the most: “it makes it hard for you to have full trust and love for them.” This is the first time I’ve considered that I am uncomfortable around my parents because I don’t trust them. I have put the blame on myself. Thank you for giving me a different perspective to consider.