How Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Make You an Avoidant Adult
You shy away from the limelight. You stay out of trouble. You prefer to stay out of the way. You try not to make waves.
Of all of the kinds of anxiety people can experience, avoidance is probably one of the least studied and least talked about. I think that’s probably because avoidant folks are quiet. They do stay out of the way and they do not tend to make waves.
But, the reality is, avoidance is a serious problem to live with. Take a look at the characteristics of avoidance below. These are some of the symptoms listed in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to identify Avoidant Personality Disorder. Please note that these are not a full description of Avoidant Personality. Do not attempt to use these symptoms to diagnose yourself or someone else. Only a licensed mental health professional is qualified to make a diagnosis.
- Secretly feeling inferior to others, and struggling with shame
- Reluctance to pursue goals, take risks or meet new people
- High sensitivity to criticism, and fear of rejection
- Assuming that others see you in a negative light
- Trying not to get too close to people
- You suspect that you enjoy things less than other people do
- Often having anxiety in social situations
You may read through the list above and feel that you are reading about yourself. Even if you answer yes to only some of the items above, it means that you may have an “avoidant style.”
Many people are living their lives with Avoidant Personality disorder. And many, many more folks have an avoidant style. Most avoidant folks fight their own private battles on their own, secretly and quietly.
It is very possible to suffer silently with an intense fear of rejection, closeness, or social situations but still soldier on, essentially unimpaired on the outside, but miserable on the inside.
Now let’s talk about you. Do you see yourself in this description of avoidance? We will talk more about avoidance in a moment. But first, we must discuss Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Because I have seen a remarkable connection between Childhood Emotional Neglect and avoidant tendencies in adults.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): When your parents fail to respond enough to your emotions and emotional needs.
What happens to a child whose parents too seldom say, “What’s wrong?” and then listen with care to their answer. How does it affect a child to have parents who are blind to what they are feeling? Parents who, through probably no fault of their own, fail to offer emotional support, or fail to truly see the child for who she is?
Childhood Emotional Neglect teaches you, the child, to avoid feeling, expressing, and needing. You are learning to avoid the very thing that makes you the most real and the most human: your emotions.
When you grow up this way, you grow up feeling invisible, and believing that your emotions and emotional needs are irrelevant. You grow up feeling that your emotional needs should not exist and are a sign of weakness. You grow up to feel ashamed that you have feelings and needs at all.
CEN is a breeding ground for shame, low self-worth, and yes, avoidance.
Five Important Points About Avoidance
- Avoidance is actually nothing more than a coping mechanism. If you avoid something that scares you, you do not have to deal with it. That feels like success.
- You developed this coping mechanism for a reason in your childhood. You needed it, and it probably, in some way, served you well in your childhood home. It may have been the only coping mechanism you could learn if no one was helping you learn other, more effective ways of coping.
- When you use avoidance enough as a way to cope, it eventually becomes your “signature move.” It becomes a solution that you go to over and over again. It becomes your style.
- Avoidance feeds fear. The more you avoid what you fear, the more you fear it. Then the more you avoid it. And so on and so on and so on, around and around it goes in an endless circle, growing ever larger.
- All of the symptoms of avoidance you saw at the beginning of this article have one common denominator that drives them. It’s a feeling and also a belief. It is this: a deep, powerful feeling that you are not as valid as everyone else. Somehow, on some level, you just don’t matter as much. This is one of the prime consequences of Childhood Emotional Neglect. (I call it The Fatal Flaw.)
It is very difficult to take on challenges in life when you don’t believe in yourself. It’s hard to be vulnerable in relationships when you don’t feel on equal footing with the other person. It’s hard to put yourself out there when you feel so secretly flawed.
This is why you must not let avoidance run your life. You must turn around and face it. Not later. Not tomorrow. But now.
You Can Become Less Avoidant
- Answer this question for yourself: What did you need to avoid in your childhood home?
- Accept that your avoidance is a coping mechanism that can be replaced by far better, healthier coping skills.
- Start observing yourself. Make it your mission to notice every time you avoid something. Start a list, and record every incident. Awareness is a vital first step.
- Look through the list, and notice the themes. Is there a trend toward avoiding social situations? Risks? Goals? Feelings? Needs?
- Start, little by little, one-step-at-a-time, facing things. How pervasive is your avoidance? If it is everywhere of everything, I urge you to seek a therapist’s help. If you have success on your own, be persistent. Don’t give up, no matter how hard it gets.
- Learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect. To find out whether CEN was a part of your childhood, I invite you to take the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. It’s free.
The more you face things, the less scary they become, and the easier they become to face again, and the more you face. And so on and so on and so on, around and around it goes in an endless circle, growing ever larger.
But this circle is a healthy, strong one that is a reversal of the circle of avoidance that began in your childhood. This circle will take you somewhere healthy and positive and good.
To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, how it happens, and how it causes avoidance, see the book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
Thanks for sharing everyone. I constantly find myself subconsciously attracted to narcissists and I really bit the bullet and was like “what if I am one”? CEN makes a lot of sense. I grew up with a mother who did drugs and severely neglected my brother sister and I. My mom kept us from our dad who was wonderful to us. I spent a lot of my younger years raising my siblings. I had to do things like steal clothes from nearby storage units, stole money to pay for lunch and pretty much was a mom to them. My sister and I were sexually abused at a young age. It led her to drink heavily and she died in a drunk driving accident at 19. My brother is suffering terribly from the damage done in our childhood. Not only was there neglect but physical and mental abuse along with rampant drug/alcohol use. I’m scared my brother is now emotionally suffering so bad that he’ll do anything to end it. Its disgusting to witness the damage it’s done to my family. Neglect is a lot worse than abuse. At least you’re seen. At least someone acknowledges you. Neglect is being left to survive on your own. It causes deep seeded invisible damage. A void that you have to fill with something. How do you fix something that you don’t even know exists? We are all kind hearted people people but we have no idea how to make it out here. We were taught that drugs and alcohol is how you cope with things. And unfortunately after my sisters death he never recovered and due to the crippling guilt that we grew up this way, my dad became an alcoholic. He died that day too. I’m in intensive outpatient psychotherapy but I’d really like to read the book and find a way to help my brother cope. He’s lost and I can’t leave him behind.